Autumn Leaves

Autumn comes and brings a breeze
To blow down all the autumn leaves
To dance until they touch the Ground and you try to catch them
In your hand as they fall
Upon you one by one and making
You an autumn tree.





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Paper*mate said...
Feb. 17, 2010 at 10:20 am
It starts off alright, but then you lose what your trying to say, and or get across to the reader. I think the best thing you can do is add more lines, by doing this, you'll get your idea across. Keep up the great work, maybe you'll be the next Robert Frost.
 
Angel*music*lover This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Feb. 16, 2010 at 9:29 am
Okay I like the idea, but the format isn't so good. Poetry kinda has this flow to it, and you had it at the beginning, but you started to lose it near the end. Keep trying!
-Angel
 
laurathewise replied...
Sept. 4, 2010 at 9:47 pm
I agree, it sounded like you were trying to do near-rhyme in the beginning 2 lines, but then lost the rhythm of the poem. Plus you have "Ground" randomly capitalized in the middle of a line; it looks like a typo (?). I like the image of leaves falling on you until you look like an autumn tree; I just think you should develop it more.
 
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