Sometimes

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Sometimes...
People change their minds
or don't change at all, ever.
Sometimes I don't understand it, or like it, or want it.
Sometimes I'm ok with it,
Always, I push myself on.
Sometimes I try to change other people
& that usually doesn't work
because sometimes all you can do
is change the way you let it affect you.
Sometimes I hurt
Sometimes I cry
Sometimes I yell
and scream
and isolate myself
Sometimes I run away from problems
I usually run away from decisions.
Sometimes people outgrow each other
even when neither of them want to
and when that happens sometimes,
I think it's the saddest thing in the world.
Sometimes you watch things fall apart right in front of your face
and sometimes you can't exactly see when it happened at all.
Sometimes you don't know,
until you're far, far away
Sometimes you never figure it out
Sometimes people make promises they just can't keep
and sometimes they never intended to in the first place
Sometimes people don't mean to hurt each other
And other times they just need the reaction
Sometimes I need to be held
to be reassured
to be supported
and comforted
and loved
Sometimes I need someone to tell me I'm beautiful
or strong
or talented
when I can't believe that I am
when I look like***
when I feel like ***
when I don't want to get out of bed
Sometimes I need a cigarette to calm my nerves
because sometimes my chest gets real tight
usually I can't think too long, or it happens
Sometimes I like who I am
Sometimes I expel myself, my contents
down down down the drain
because sometimes I let the 14 year old creep up in me
and sometimes I think that I'll always be that little girl
and sometimes I think that I'll always have her insecurities
Sometimes I am afraid for my mom
and I want so badly to fix her
but sometimes I have to stand there helpless
and sometimes I just have to watch her fall apart
and sometimes I want to run away from it
because sometimes I can't carry the weight
sometimes I want to live under water
and sometimes I want the sun to engulf me
sometimes I hate wearing clothes
and I wish I could run through fields, with only sunshine to warm me
and sometimes I just want to be alone in the rain
and sit in the shower and yell and cry
because sometimes I think my life should be so much more than it is now
and sometimes I feel so small
and sometimes I can't imagine this being IT
and sometimes I cry for the people who have lost
and the people who never had it to begin with
Sometimes I wish I had someone unconditional
truly,
to run away, anywhere
everywhere - sometimes I wish my life could be that spontaneous
and sometimes I wish I didn't need validation by company
But sometimes my fantasies don't come true
and sometimes I hold my breath and wait





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