Loneliness fills me, depression and silence consumes me. I feel the need to fall. The desire to become complete is vanished. Girl drama stalks me, false love takes me hostage. My weakness haunts me. My dreams become so confusing: Unstable floors, hollow thoughts, dark masked blobs of mass, what does it mean? Questioning every sentence told to me. Drama, Drama, Drama. My most loathed word and verb. Drama, Conflict, Hate, Poison, Lies, Drugs. All things negative, buried in it, wrapped tightly in it. Suddenly I grab towards the light, fail. Angels reminding me of who i am, who I will never become, and the knife that shatters me completely.....Him. I count the days i miss him so, My thoughts tell me to hide him and the feelings he gives and gave me. My heart knows the truth. My heart knows i still have Andrew Bill Swofford engraved in my chest. Even if he broke his promise, even if he took away everything pure in me. My heart burns for him, I must strike it from my heart, he is gone. I can no longer have the one whom i loved more than anything. These very thoughts call to me 2 words: If only. "I saw Andrew today." A hurtful lie that threatens to rip my wounded heart to shreds. With closed eyes i can still feel him. "I can't help it. Its just me being me.." Excuses repeated, no need of them. I call out for help...nothing....nothing but absence and silence inside. My world will never be complete. My life will never be mine. I know i have to take control. I know i have to, but everytime i try to fly, i fall harder. With a sigh, i let all my feelings go to my finger tips, to the keyboard, to the paper..to the eyes of millions. SIGH i let it all go.
High school thoughts
November 7, 2009