11-6-2009

I think it's a shame when you're on facebook and you see that your father is online so you hurry up and sign off because you don't want him to message you and ask you random questions like everything is ok when it's not and you want to tell him how you feel but you just can't because you went on pretending this long that everything is ok but its not. When you see him at random get togethers you both just share a random glance, maybe eye contact longing for the relationship that you wish you had, but will never happen because you know that in his eyes nothing is wrong with the way things are and he's going to keep it this way. When you see the joy that your little sister has at the age of 4 because she can run to her father and he will hold her in his arms and you see the love that he has for her and it's different than any other love in the world. You never felt that and it was something you longed for but you never said anything about it because you just really didn't know what to say. Then you try to find that feeling in your grandfathers arms but you realize as you get older that the love that a grandfather has for his grand daughter is alot different from the love that a father gives. Then you allow him to brag on your acomplishments but deep down you feel like he had nothing to do with it, but yet you say nothing because you don't know what to say. You let his mother and his father and his sisters and his brother make up for the fact that he's never been there, and you don't say anything because you don't know what to say. You find yourself contemplating and thinking about your wedding day and you wonder, who will walk you down the aisle? You're sure he will be there but will he get to walk you down the aisle? Does he deserve it? You sit and think, he wasn't there when you were born, for your first day of school, for your valedictorian speech in 5th grade, for any of your performances (athletic or not), for your graduation/last track meet (state), or to see you off to college, so why would he deserve it? Just because he's my father? So when he finally decides to call or write a message on facebook or myspace and ask how's daddy's girl doing, why do I answer? I'm not a daddy's girl, nor have I ever called him daddy, so why is the first thing out of my mouth, I'm ok? When in reality I'm not ok, and I want to ask; why were you never there? Why on my birthday did I just get a "happy birthday"? Why on christmas, did your mom or sisters have to buy me gifts and say they were from you? Why? How can you call yourself a father? So the next time I'm online and I see that he's online, will I be able to stay on and face the fact that this is reality? Or will I be stuck in the dream world where when my mom makes me mad I can call him and tell him to come get me because I don't want to be there? Though I don't want to, I'll be forced to live in reality and I'll have to realize that this is just the way things are and someday I'll build up the courage so that when I get that random phone call or message saying how's daddy's girl, I'll be able to answer: Hello Stranger.