To Die For No Reason

October 28, 2009
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To Die for No Reason.

The morning is cold, but the air is too hot.
It pushes the water out of my pores and soaks through my clothes and blinds my eyes
But I can still feel the goose bumps rise.

I sit in the car with my mom and my dad.
My hands squeeze the letter you gave me into a tiny ball, imperfect and smashed.
We pass a man who has been in a crash.

The noises in the world scratch my ears
The humming and the crying and the laughing and the singing that is out of tune
Nothing is perfect, despite all their hope.

I love you so much.
I love the way you laugh sometimes, and the way your face looks in the rain
I wanted to away all of your insurmountable pain.

The pain you felt when he left your mom.
The pain you felt when he yelled and he drank and the insane promises he made you keep
The pain you felt when you had no place to sleep.

You never did anything to hurt me.
People misjudge what they can carry, scoff at the intense burdens placed on their backs
And then soon, their strength cracks.

The world seems darker.
The lights on the street only illuminate shadows and beggars and thieves
With silent sobs your body heaves.

And when I took these things from you
You didn’t rejoice. You didn’t thank me or offer to help me carry them for you.
You just left me.

And now here I am, driving away.
I will never see you again, at least not for a long, long, long time.
Is this evil, or sublime?

Many people who know me,
They know all the things that I hold inside and they say that it’s good,
They say it’s time to say goodbye.

But you didn’t ask to be saved.
You didn’t whine about your struggles, you didn’t beg me to take them from you,
You didn’t want me to hurt too.

But I couldn’t let you lay there in pieces.
I remember the day when you turned on the sidewalk, your eyes as vast as the sea
I remember that smile as you looked back at me.

And now here I am, and I’m driving away from this.
I don’t know what I feel inside the box that I keep my heart in.
Because, you see, I choose to put the lid on that box,
But if I hadn’t been for you, I never would have even opened it.

You did nothing wrong.
I choose to carry these things for you.
But where are you anyways?

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