depressed

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im depressed.
a sadness like i cant breathe.
or i drop to my knees becuase the weight of the memory is too much for
me.
that he doesnt care
and doesnt love me
and probably never did
is pounding thru me and ripping me to pieces.
i cant take this.
my tongue burns with all the 'i love you's i should have said and want
to
say now.
i bite back my usless apologies and swallow that lump in my throat long
enough to lie and say that im ok and that nothings wrong.
but everythings wrong.
i feel wrong.
my skin is a strangers
and my smile is with plastic lips and all the effort put behind it.
i say im quiet becuase im tired
but really
im quiet becuase if i speak
my voice will crack and tremble and my composure will crumble.
cuz thats all i have left to hold on to.
i cling to my cool smile like a last breath.
and i close my stinging eyes
to what i 'dont' miss.
i can fake this.
it hurts! of course it hurts! of course im crying!
its hurts so much to hear 'i love you' one second and 'i never loved
you'
the next!
it tears me in two directions.
like saying to myself i never want to see him again when im already
halfway
there
asking myself why i do this...
why must i make myself suffer
for a man who would never inconvenience himself for me
my friend
my enemy.
so i screamed out 'I HATE YOU'
but that was a lie too





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