I close my eyes and little windows pop up on my eyelids
I pull the drawstrings, trying to close the shades
But I’m stuck in my thoughts.

I wait for something brilliant to implode on my eyelids
But I’m filled with
Nothing,
A poison with a smiley-face sticker covering the skull.

The land of the dead ensnares me, holds on to every drop of me,
Keeping me in their line of lost souls.

I see the line encompasses lands
And vast escapes of the ones who never made it,
Never succeeded in playing the game,
Learning the rules.

Maybe that’s what I fear;
That I follow the rules, play the game
Only by instinct, which requires me to forget thought,
Give in to my senses,
Play the way I’ve played since I discovered I had to.

I used to think I was great; I could follow the rules,
Accept all the nonsense the world couldn’t handle.
I’d give anything to
Hold those moments in my fingertips, ­between my toes
Like sand. Never letting one drop fall.

I realize now that I was a toy,
Being who they needed me to be.
I’m not sure I want to be a toy anymore.

For one, I needed constant rewinding,
Reminding.
But one day, I will run out of winds
And no one will think to rewind me.

Then where will I be?
For what’s a toy without a human to rewind it?
Who am I without a human to
Rewind me? Remind me.

I realize now, now that I can control
Some aspects of the game
That, yes, life can be about choices.

But sometimes
We store ourselves in too many bottles.
Package ourselves away
Into underwhelming nothingness.

Need to stop these thoughts.
Stop the senses and all their
Impatient, over-intensified feelings.

Need to open
My
Eyes.