Why 

Why is it so hard to be around you

Hard to listen to you talk

Hard to be in your presence even when I am around you everyday 

Why

Why is it a struggle to just have a conversation with you

A struggle to talk without getting frustrated

A struggle not to yell when you won’t listen 

Why

Why do I no longer crave your affection 

I do not find comfort in your hugs

I do not like when you simply place your hand on me

Why

Why do you get so upset over my little mistakes  

You get so flustered 

You won’t let me finish what I want to say 

Why

Why can I never open up to you

I can never tell you about something without you making it worse

I can never feel comfortable just ranting to you 

Why

Why do you make me feel upset

Make me feel irritated when I talk to you

Make me feel guilty when I don’t do something the way you like

Why

Why do I have to be perfect all the time

I feel so pressured to do everything right

I feel like you put so many things on my shoulders

Why

Why does my sister relate to everything I feel

She understands because she went through the same thing

She knows the irritation and guilt and uneasiness 

Why

Why is that our normal

Is it always going to be like this

Is there any hope for how we’ll be in the future 

Why 

Why is it so hard for you to understand how I feel

It is so hard for you to see my pain even when tears stream down my face

It is so hard for you to see what you did wrong

Why

Why can’t I be that little girl again who loved everything her mother did

I just want to be 5 years old again in your arms

I want to have a perfect relationship again 

Why

Why can’t it be like it used to 

We can’t it be easy anymore

We can’t we laugh and talk without hesitation 

Why

Why does it feel like we are faking it

Faking our smiles and our laughs

Faking our happiness to see each other

Why

Why did I tear up as I wrote this

Why did my heart break thinking about how we are around each other 

Why is it like this

Why is it just so hard everyday

Just why 

I miss the days when we could bond

When we could joke without a care in the world

When I could reach my arms out knowing that you would be right there

I miss that

I miss when I was a little girl and the harshest thing you could say was no

When the only time I cried was when you weren’t there

When I would say everyday, I love you this much with my arms spread as far as they could go

I miss that

I miss when I would give you a hug and say goodnight every time before I went to sleep

I miss saying “you’re the best mom ever”

I miss the days when I really truly meant every word I said to you

The days when I didn’t have to lie to you just to avoid millions of questions

The days when I could tell you everything happening in my life

You say you know me 

But let's be honest

You haven’t really known me for years