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Flowers Are for Funerals MAG
Like survivors of the plague, we raced through the woods,
Etching our lives away into the trees.
Our hair sprinkled with stardust,
We laughed until our laughter turned to sobs and we
Wept rivers into the soil.
The leaves fell as we shook in each other’s arms,
While somewhere in the distance, an owl gave its mourning cry
And the wind swayed the trees in a symphony of sighs.
With a shudder I collapsed onto the ground.
You gathered the flowers from where I lay,
Tore up the petals and cast them away.
In a voice laden with sleep you said, “Flowers are for funerals.”
You sank to the ground and lay down beside me, the moonbeams scattered around us.
Fingers entwined, we gazed up at the stars and lost ourselves
In the valleys of the moon and the shadows that played across them.
But the fire was dying now,
And we felt the weariness
Tugging at our bones like the ocean current.
Death’s little sister laid her fingers on our eyelids and
Gradually the world began to darken
Until only the stars remained,
Burned into my vision like tiny dots of static forever
glowing bright.
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This article has 7 comments.
This is awesome.
You use very interesting imagery and word choice.
Absolutely Beautiful. <3
You could do without "with a shudder I collapsed onto the ground" entirely. It does nothing for the development or tone. It kind of screws up the imagery because you don't have any other deirect positioning. You should go with a blurry setting, (which I think is effective and appropriate in this case), or a clear and specific setting.
And just a smll thing: I think it would work well if you used 'say' rather than 'said' before "flowers are for funerals" because it injects the reader more into the moment. You used this in "But the fire was dying now." It's a similar type of thing.
In "Gradually the world began to darken", the word 'began' isn't right. "Gradually the world darkened" or "the world began to darken" or "darkness gradually came (and/or) fell" might be better.
Also, perhaps clarification in some way as to what you mean by, "Flowers are for funerals." I don't get it. Perhaps this is because the reader is not familiar with the events or characters you may have in mind.
I do like it though, or I wouldn't have taken the time to edit it. Keep writing and thank you for reading my comments, if you did.
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