december 31, 2020

i feel as if the whole world is laughing at an inside joke and i’m the only one who doesn’t understand.

i am stumbling through life.

please, god, help me up.

do i believe in god?

gods kept me alive when i was twelve and i never thanked them for it.

do i thank people, for saving my life?

i used to scoff at people who believe in god

but why not?

it’s comforting, in a way.

i don’t know if god-with-a-capital-g is the one i believe in

and none of the traditions or rituals or beliefs appeal to me.

("i believe he exists, i just don’t think he needs to be worshipped.")

(i have seen too much evil to believe in god.)

still, i hope someone is out there, tallying the world’s sins,

a silent observer, incapable of interfering, recording for all of eternity:

a silent observer, cheering me on, whispering his hands through my hair, the only thing he can do

to help me through this dark night.

i used to believe only one person in the world loved me unconditionally. but it turns out i took that for granted, and she doesn’t. but others seem to. i had to open my heart to see it, but others opened theirs in response.

i think people actually like me.

i want people to like me.

i want to spread love and kindness and i want love and kindness in return.

i don’t think that makes me greedy. i think that makes me fair.

what is fair? what is justice? we seem to be struggling with this concept for quite some time.

an eye for an eye makes the whole world blind. (there are other senses. and maybe a change of scenery would do us some good.)

it’s almost 11pm and i still have much to do. but perhaps that will be done in 2021.