lately
you have become so engrossed with the thought of exposure
the idea that I must have told all of my friends
I must
have made notes
I must
have taken pictures
I must
want sympathy.
All the questions about my social media and my life

are not because you finally realize
that I need to be understood -

no -

it’s just fueled by this all-consuming selfish paranoia
and all it really is
is you crossing the line
again
out of fear
that you would be held responsible.

Because you saw a glimpse of what I’ve really been feeling

because you know you were wrong
but you won’t ever admit it.

For you to imply -

no - Say

that I want sympathy from people,
that I want to tell people what you did,

you’re wrong.

And no matter how many times I tell you
you never change your tune

you are a broken record
because once you make up your mind your mind is made up and
you wonder where I got it from.

Tear me down for my defiance one more time why don’t you for not-so-old times sake
while you stand 5 feet away and defy the words that are coming straight from my lips
telling you to stop talking
and listen
and your mouth keeps moving
and there’s noise but I can’t hear it

I can’t keep hearing it.

You will never know how long I spent choosing the words that could never roll off my tongue right enough to feel comfortable to say
how long I spent mulling over the memories of all the different dates that are now ingrained into my soul that I can’t erase
all the pain
all the confusion of what to do,

who to tell,

who to keep lying to.
You will never know how hard it was
when some that I entrusted with my biggest secrets didn’t give a damn,
just passed it off like it was nothing.
The times when those that I hoped would just protect me,

just for a little while -

didn’t.
I guess you actually would know something about that though, wouldn’t you?
Wouldn’t you?

As you sit there and remind me you’re the only real friend I have
you’re the only one that really cares -

go to hell.

Or go to the other side of the earth
I don’t have enough left to care anymore.

Just stay away from me
until you want to change;

not a half hearted hug and plastic tears and the inescapable redirecting of guilt to the nearest body that’s not your own.

this
body
is tired of carrying blame
for things it didn’t do
didn’t want
didn’t create.

I never wanted sympathy;

all I have ever wanted
is someone who understood I’m human,
even if they couldn’t understand me.