I’m not proud to say I’m a survivor

because I get to, but the victims don’t.

It’s not fair on any level,

but that’s the way it happened.

I’m not proud to say I knew them

because the past tense shouldn’t be used in the present.

My blood boils for the families screaming,

“Why my kid? Why?”

I’m not proud to say I was lucky

because there was no luck for anyone.

Luck was for everyone who didn’t attend my school.

Luck kept them from inevitable nightmares.

I’m not proud to have a scar

because people think it’s badass.

But it’s just a reminder that I was there

That I was there.

I’m not proud to walk back in here

because I can’t stand on my own two feet.

I tremble as if I were paralyzed

and it replays over and over again.

I’m not proud to be more aware

because it gets annoying always watching out for trouble.

My senses are heightened and I've developed PTSD

like a war veteran, even though I’m only sixteen.

I’m not proud to be standing here today

because I am unable to see the friends I miss.

Sometimes I sit back and wonder if I didn’t make it

because I don’t feel anything and I just can’t shake it.