“I tried to kill myself because of you,” you say.

And something inside me crumbles.

Something inside me withers away.

The girl I thought I was.

The girl I thought I knew.

Dead.

Gone.

8 words, and she was reduced to nothing.

Ashes on the carpet of the band room floor.

“What?”

but I barely hear myself speak.

I don’t feel my lips move.

I’m numb.

“What did I do to you?”

“How is this my fault?”

“I tried to get you help.”

My lips and brain form a waterfall,

an endless stream of meaningless questions.

There are no answers.

And I’m crying now.

Your dark eyes, wide, unfeeling-

lips thin and straight.

Your face betrays not the slightest bit of emotion.

You are like a doll.

Staring at me.

Waiting.

For what?

A reaction.

You want to know that you hurt me.

Congratulations.

The tears are hot and endless and

I hate them almost as much as I hate you.

I push past your still form

Into a hallway that feels foreign and

Next thing I know

I’m running,

running,

running.

I don’t stop until I hit something hard enough to push it out of my path.

I don't stop until I feel cold - crisp air on my skin.

I open my eyes and I’m outside,

Kneeling on the sidewalk.

My knees are scraped up and one is bleeding

And I don’t care

I don’t care

I do not care.

“I tried to kill myself because of you.”

These words echo in my mind over and over

And I want to rip them out.

Tear into their skin and crush their organs one by one

Stop their beating heart, cold in the palm of my hands-

It's not enough to say I’m angry with you-

I'm outraged, 

livid-

for making me feel like your suicide attempt was my problem when it had nothing,

nothing,

To do with me.

I hate you, Matthew-

for manipulating my emotions

and for pretending to be my friend.

I hate you, Matthew-

for refusing to take responsibility for your own issues

and for getting in the middle of my friendships and wrecking them,

piece by piece.

And most of all, I hate you Matthew-

for trying to ruin my life because you couldn’t stand to live your own.

You have taught me to be better than you.

And if you read this and try to kill yourself because of me-

I won’t care enough to shed a single tear-

and I won't care enough to open another stupid letter from you months later

a letter that doesn't apologize, but explains instead-

because I see you for exactly what you are.

Thank you for all that our friendship has taught me.