“What is anxiety?”

I get this question a lot.

Mainly from adults who don’t believe me when I tell them I need to step outside because I feel like I’m going to have an anxiety attack.

For me,

It’s knowing I am okay, but everything feeling like I’m not.

I begin to feel like I cannot breathe.

It’s like someone is sitting on my chest,

I am suffocating and I cannot breathe.

It is invisible to everyone but me.

Because it’s a mind thing, I just have to remind myself that “it’s all in my head”

I’ll make sure to remind someone that their pain is all in their head the next time they break a bone or fall down some stairs or something.

For me,

It is the feeling of electricity running through my body.

It’s like being electrocuted but I am just shaking, no actual pain.

Not the one you’d feel from being electrocuted anyways.

Just a lot of internal pain,

Just a lot of uncontrollable shaking.

“Stop shaking” they say.

As if it’s something I am doing for fun.

For me, it’s racing.

My thoughts and emotions race to a non existing finish line.

One always trying to dominate the other,

Always confusing my mind and taking away my ability to speak.

I cannot ask for help, I cannot beg.

I am dying inside, yet I know if I ask for help,

They’d tell me to “relax” or

To “take deep breaths” or

To “stop being dramatic and calm down”

There is nothing wrong with me, they’d say.

My pain is invisible to those who cannot relate to what I live with.

So I must suffer alone and in silence when I feel this way

For me, it’s crying and not knowing why.

It’s knowing I’m sad but not understanding why.

It’s understanding there’s no why, but knowing I’m sad.

It’s spontaneous, sorrow-filled crying without any reason for it to begin.

It’s overdue breakdowns, it’s “underrated” pain I have not dealt with.

I am too young to have my heart broken, I am too young to understand stress and worrying.

Once again, “there is nothing wrong with me”

For me,

It feels like suicide.

Mental suicide, mental destruction,

Over and over again.

It feels like everytime I feel this way, a part of me dies.

But it’s alright, I’m too young to have anxiety, right?