Actuality

December 11, 2017
By Evan Mueller BRONZE, Lisle, Illinois
Evan Mueller BRONZE, Lisle, Illinois
1 article 0 photos 0 comments

Two years before it all,
Before the war before the fall
For the first time, darkness is what I saw.

It’s sharp teeth and bloody face scared me,
So I pulled blinds over my eyes so I wouldn’t have to see.
I created love stories in my head preventing myself to think.
I fell in love with an idea, trying to hide from actuality.

And that one year was pure bliss,
Who knew I could get so high, off something that didn’t exist?

But when the snow came down, I realized I needed something stronger,
When the shadows made their first sound, I locked myself in my perfect little bunker.

I increased the does, fell deeper in my make-believe comatose,
In there I felt safe, for the next year I had daydreams take my mind away.

In a cult state of mind, to close friends I started to preach.
Loves confidence made me feel pride, so much I thought it was fantasy, not reality, out of my reach.

Until came summer shining,
It’s rays for me to see;
My idea of love,
Had found someone else.

But even that wasn’t enough to knock my castle to the ground,
Until the leaves from the trees came falling down.

My idea of love had me so caught up in the waves of their eyes,
That I thought everyone looked up at me like they did to the blue skies.

But when I wasn’t on the invite list to parties,
My fake love wasn’t enough, I found something to make me feel like it wasn’t just me.

So high off the love, the liquor, and the drugs,
Couldn’t think of the sober that was about to come.

But then my Mirage of love left me,
Leaving me to ride this roller coaster of make-believe.
When they left the ocean that I swam had a drought,
Just as the big drop came around.

I tried to convince myself, say I was fine without it,
For I still had myself, forgot that the shadows had patience.
Then it was Halloween and, thus began my tragedy.
I saw all my followers, feast on without me,
Until I finally saw I was the leader of nothing at all.

My castle fell down to gravel,
For it was made of paper,
With my daydreams written on it,
For everyone to see.

Now I was out of my own, trying to fight through the cold,
But the cold turned me mean.
I wanted revenge, prayed for their death,
Starting to think I was crazy.
My actions fell through, no purpose, no use,
My weapons stripped clean.
Then I realized, the anger inside,
Were the demons back again haunting me.

I had no escape, I had lost to their game.
So I cried to myself, reached for hands but they let go, and I fell.

Piercing demons, keeping me up at night.
Silence, screaming, reminding me of what I hadn’t done right.
And that’s when I let them take control of me, for I knew I couldn’t continue, I was dangerous to my own body.

Now I’m here, living with demons wherever I go.
Now it’s clear, how this went so wrong;
My imagination was too strong, that once the daydreams were gone,
All I could do was listen to the demons, sing their twisted songs.

I know one day, I’ll see these shadows as a wake up call,
For they aren’t demons they’re reality.
But for now I’m trying to rise from the fall,
Letting all my precious stories bleed out of me.
So I can write them, and let the whole world see.

Forever wishing the lies I told myself were the truth,
The blue eye metaphors that I fell in love with, I now have to lose.
Forever wishing the lies weren’t the ones I kept making up,
I’ve waken up from my coma, looking at the garden of flowers, I know who the angels are.

Fantasy, the brightest fog, I have ever seen,
Reality,the darkest light, I thought I’d never need.

The author's comments:

This poem captures my personal experiences of the past two years and I hope you enjoy it.


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