All At Once

July 30, 2012
By Khadijah BRONZE, Dhahran, Other
Khadijah BRONZE, Dhahran, Other
2 articles 0 photos 1 comment

Favorite Quote:
“You must write every single day of your life. You must read dreadful dumb books and glorious books, and let them wrestle in beautiful fights inside your head, vulgar one moment, brilliant the next. You must lurk in libraries and climb the stacks like ladders to sniff books like perfumes and wear books like hats upon your crazy heads. I wish you a wrestling match with your creative muse that will last a lifetime. I wish craziness and foolishness and madness upon you. May you live with hysteria, and out of it make fine stories – science fiction or otherwise. Which finally means, may you be in love every day for the next 20,000 days. And out of that love, remake a world.”
-Ray Bradbury

All at once you've gone away
though you never mentioned leaving.
Cut off at once my life supply
and left me barely breathing.

Maybe it's what you wanted
to leave me here this way.
twisted and bleeding and bruised to the core
in a morbidly bleak display.

It's cold where I am
too much hurt and distortions
the result of a tragedy of epic proportions.
I will you return
sometime when you can
and maybe we'll be just like how we began.

But you've chosen your path
you've thrown me aside.
I'll do as you'd like
I swear to abide.

You've chosen your path
but I've yet to choose mine.
All I need is a call, a message or sign.
Although it pathetic, but I just need to know
whether you hate me completely
or only so-so.

You see I'm holding out for you.. whether you like it or not.
Because as desperate as it seems, I just might have a shot.
I need this verification, I need it a lot.
I need to keep breathing
Though it seems I forgot.

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This article has 1 comment.

on Aug. 1 2012 at 1:20 pm
Pika_Princess, Escondido, California
0 articles 0 photos 118 comments

This was really good! I really liked the message and meaning behind this poem. There's definitely a lot of emotion behind this. 

However, there were a couple of places where the wording was a bit awkward or strange and that broke a bit of the poem's rhythm. Many of these lines just have grammar mistakes so it should be easily fixable.

Here are some suggestions (in the order that I see them):

1. Cutting off my life supply all at once

2. And leaving me there barely breathing.

3. Maybe leaving me here this way was what you always wanted.

4. I will you to return to me

5. But, I'm willing to do as you like

6. All I need is a call, a message, a sign.

7. Although it's pathetic, I just need to know: do you hate me completely?

8. I need to keep breathing even though I've seemed to forgotten how.

I hope this helps! Keep on writing!


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