My Own Deception

November 22, 2011
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I dreamed, aspired, hoped, and lived
For your improbable embrace.
Yet every smile that you sent me
My heart accepted without grace.

To me you were a starry sky,
A bush of lilac in full bloom.
You were more brilliant than the sun,
And more hypnotic than the moon.

You were as stunning as the thunder,
Which sounded fiercely through the night.
As luminous as a million fireflies,
Which glow so humble, yet so bright.

I saw past all your imperfections,
And treated you like you were God.
I was too occupied to notice
That truly you were just a fraud.

I was to you a simple nuisance,
An obstacle to just endure.
You treated me with such indifference-
Like a disease that has no cure.

Yet in my mind I painted pictures,
Of all the rainbow’s vibrant casts.
I was incapable of seeing
That my impressions were too vast.

All of my friends- they tried to tell me,
That I should quietly give up.
But I got mad, overreacted…
I lost them all, but did not stop.

Because at that point I still saw you,
Like something magical, yet real.
I did not note that you were careless
Regarding what or how I feel.

But time passed by, and I grew weaker-
I lost myself, my life, my ways.
I fully modified my person,
And grew more foreign, day by day.

I left my essence in the darkness,
Escaped from any common sense.
I slowly turned into a robot,
Who followed all of your commands.

But in the midst of this sad process,
I realized an awkward fact.
I recognized myself no longer-
I was a messed-up, pointless act.

A mess of pure, repulsive falseness,
A set of untruths, foolish lies.
And at that point I saw how useless,
Absurd and futile were my tries.

I had to ask myself -who are you?
Where is the one that was with me?
Where is the light, the smile, the beauty,
Of her, who I no longer see?

And just as I began to notice,
The changes that occurred with me,
It was that you began to notice,
Began to realize, and see.

You started to discern my life,
Discern my aspects, and my air.
You suddenly became so knowing-
Became so conscious and aware.

And then you saw me as benefit,
As something, that possesses use.
As something, that could aid your living-
And then you tried to make a truce.

You tried to be a different person,
Attempted to become so kind.
You thought that I was still your servant.
But truly, I stopped being blind.

I then saw all your imperfections,
And saw yourself the way you were.
I understood how you’ve been acting.
Your clarity was suddenly blurred…

I figured out the plot against me,
Although there really wasn’t one.
There was its meaning- that was everywhere.
In all the things you’ve said and done.

All of this sad realization
Had an immense effect on me.
It slowly froze my heart, which hardened,
And made my dreams become debris.

Today you cannot grasp the reason
For which around you I’m so cold.
You vainly try to break my darkness,
And see into my bitter world.

So maybe someday you will realize-
It may take days, it may take years.
How I have felt. You’ll understand me-
And my heart’s ice will melt to tears.

.





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