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Random Thoughts

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Many ask me
How did it happen?
I say to them
That I don’t want to talk about it
I tell them to back off
I tell them to let it be
For I have no means as to speak about it
I have forgotten many of the events
That has ruined my childhood
Due to what I call a mind illness
Compressed memories and forgotten events
Is a nightmare that no one would want to face?
For years I have tried to bury the painful memories
That has kept me from finding happiness
But there is no use in pretending anymore
For the reason for my suffering
Is based on those memories
All I can seek now is to have freedom
Form those depressing memories
In which many I have trouble remembering
I ask myself
What is wrong with me?
Why can’t I be normal like everyone else?
Why can’t I form lasting friendships?
Where is the white picket fence?
Why have I never been kissed?
Or had my first boyfriend
Could there be something wrong with me
Too many unanswered questions
Where is my sanity
Am I no longer normal?
Am I some human living because I
Was brought into this troublesome and lonesome world
Where is my childhood
Here I am almost twenty years old
A college student
Who has lost her way since?
Mother died almost ten years ago
It sickens me to be reminded that I have no parents
I am truly an orphan who was lucky to be taken in by relatives
Although my life was no picnic in the park
I can hear it now
Yelling
Cursing
Arguing
Everything negative
No positive feedback
No hugs and I love you
Who am I?
What will I become?
How will I live my life?
When pain and heartache seems to be my middle name
Where is my happiness
What happened in my past?
Was I abused?
Will I ever know?
Could I ever remember?
Has my mental illness taken all my memories and happiness away?
So much chaos
So much anger
Too many unexplained answers
I live in the past
Although it is the present
I can’t seem to move on from the pain
I endured years ago
It was on March
When I lost my mother
When she passed away
It was an ordinary day for me
I had just came home from Church
But as soon as the phone rang
I knew it was bad news
Shaunte, I am sorry to tell you but
I just found out from the hospital that your mother past away
That messages my brain freeze
Thoughts racing through my mind
What the heck was happening?
Why was it happening to me?
I needed my mother
Every child needs their parents
No excuses for death
Once you’re gone, you’re gone forever
Mom was my mother for almost eleven years
And then she was ashes so quickly
What a lovely woman she was
Sadly I don’t remember too much
For my mental illness has hidden those memories away
As for the funeral, that was a reminder that my mother was never coming back
People coming up to me telling me how sorry they were
Thank you, but it still hurts
It is so hard to think of how my childhood would have been like
If my mother was alive
When I was younger
Mom would always read me stories
She would cook me my favorite meals
She was the one who taught me discipline but now all of these memories have faded away
It was after my mother’s death when all my troubles started
The following school year I started middle school
I became uncommunicative with the people around me
Quiet and lonely was my only friend
I isolated myself from everyone
I ask myself why I did that
What could have been done differently?
It was in middle school when all the chaos began
I had began to lose myself for the first time
The problem was I didn’t know it yet
No one did
Chap 2
Middle school
A bore
With a lot of bullying
A lot of mean teachers who picked on me as I recall
Mr. H my 7th grade history teacher is a man who I recall as a bully
Sadly due to my illness I truly can’t remember what he did or said
Just that he embarrassed me in front of the entire class
I will never forget the children’s laughter
I won’t forget being called names in class
I will never forget a bully pouring milk in my hair
No one cared about then and they don’t care about now
I remember sitting alone everyday from six grades to eight grades at the lunch table
No one ever spoke to me
No one ever said hey, you want to sit with us
Graduation was the best because I was free
Middle school was bad but
High was a nightmare that I never want to relive again
If I am lucky there won’t be a high school reunion
If I am not then ill endure it
After all that will be in the future
Freshman seemed cool
I had a few good acquaintances that I sat with at lunch
But eventually they found there on cliques
I sat alone once again
I hardly ever spoke
That’s why all my classmates were surprised my senior year
When I was student government public relations, part of the yearbook
Winning prom queen was the weirdest accomplishments since it was unexpected
But continuing with sophomore year
Things seem to get a little better
Or as so they seem
Sophomore years was the year when I joined my high school’s scrapbooking club
The year I took an art class and actually liked it
We made this huge bug as well in class one day
And I painted paintings as well
The paintings are still in my room
This was the year I had thought I met my real friends as well
The year I attended their parties and little gatherings
Lend them money and didn’t complain if they never paid me back
I was a real friend
We started talking in art class
At lunch I sat with them
My illness took its effect
Why did I cry?
Why couldn’t my so called friends be there for me?
Or speak to me like a regular human being
They knew what I was going through
But when the main leader in our clique says jump
The others follow
A person can’t have it both ways
If the main leader of a clique decides to hate one of their members then
The other followers must make a choice
Since I was the fifth wheel
I was voted out
Ex best friends
Exiled
Thrown out like a paper cup
Expelled for ever
These girls would never be friends ever again
It started in early May of junior year when the problems began and my friendship with them would be
Terminated
I also ask why these girls made my life unworthy of living
Why did I allow them to ruin my senior year and spread lies?
Why couldn’t I be the bigger person?
I made things worse
But I am still having trouble remembering specific things the four girls did
Even after everything did
Part of me wants to be there friend
To have been able to it in with them
But the other of me shoved them with my prom queen flowers and didn’t look back
Unfortunately these girls have a lot to do with the way I view people today
How I don’t have friends out of fear that they will let me down
Like my former friends
I have these flashbacks about the four girls who sabotaged my senior year
Junior year was
The year I learned thousands of SAT Vocabulary
The year I ran for student government and won
The year that some girls tormented me because I said something rude
The year when I was told everyone hated me
The year that I was known as the gossiper of the school
Junior year was also
The year I took chemistry and got a B
The year I took Statistics and again got a B
Junior year was the year when I started my counseling sessions at school twice a week
Senior year I won prom Queen
Senior year I was in the yearbook committee
Was student government Public Relations
Planned the first cancer awareness at my school
The year I took physics and got a B-
Yeah I would say that I accomplished a lot senior year
Freshman year of college was awful and in ways peaceful
To be honest now that I am in my sophomore year
It seems like all my problems were never resolved
Which is why I still have a therapist?
This is the part when I would someone
That I feel as if I am crazy
With no boundaries and no life direction to go
Which road do I take now?
When all the roads in which I have crossed were all crowded, broken and wrong
Confusion and anger pours my broken heart
Why I am living
Why I am here
Could someone hear me?
If I screamed so loud
Would they rescue me?
Probably not cause no one is my hero
College started really interesting
I was a student at HHS during my freshman year
But due to financial and personal issues
I transferred to NCC
HHS was my ideal solution to all my problems
In which I had thought would be a new beginning
Full of no drama, perfect grades just like high school
Friends, a great roommate and perfection just like I also envisioned
Who would have known that I would be entirely wrong?
Chap 3
HHS was a great school and at first I was excited to join a club
For some reason and till this day
I have no idea why I joined that sorority
But I truly had thought that it was the only way to make friends
Since my roommates weren’t interested in being each other friends
All three of us just didn’t connect
So pledging a sorority seemed to be my only option as I thought to make good friends
I was wrong
It was the worst decision I had made in college
One mistake that would cause the brink of a mental illness
The girls in the sorority were all nice the first two weeks after pledging week
If someone created a college guide I would hope they would include what not to do
Someone should have told me about choosing a sorority wisely and if you feel not wanted then
Serenara baby and move on
I had thought I made genuine friends
And a best friend in which I thought she would be the friends that my high school friends weren’t
I was wrong about that to
It seems like my high expectations were never met and having an idea of what people should act like
Fell to the ground
Underage drinking, partying, gossiping and lies was this sororities main objective
Hazing, of course that was happening
Oh bring us candy, do this, do that
That sorority was crazy
The stole my flip flops
Still haven’t gotten them back
They give bad names to all the good and decent sororities at HHS and all other universities
Although my experience with my old sorority was awful
I am not against sorority because I know there are good ones
Of course I was their victim
I was seen as innocent
Sweet, kind, a loser
Someone to use
And would jump when they said jump
Someone to use
And would jump when they said jump
I was their puppet
Their sense of being was to ruin me
They believed in their sisterhood
A sisterhood full of girls
Who hated each other?
Gossiped about each other
Pretended they liked each other
Bossed the new girls around
And expected us to be perfect
And of course to spend, spend, and spend
I spent over a thousand dollars for my fake sorority
In which is why I had to work to get it all back
These girls made it seem like they cared
But they didn’t





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belieber said...
Dec. 5, 2011 at 7:04 pm
i liked this poem, but i think you should split them by a new submission instead of chapters because it almost got boring to sit and read the entire thing at one time, but i thought it was good :) check out mine!
 
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