It takes absolutely everything,
To do nothing.
It takes all my energy,
Just to get myself out of bed.
Hopelessly trying to convince myself,
That today will be a good day.
It takes all that I have,
To get in the shower,
And bathe myself for the first time in three days.
I feel the warm water droplets grazing my body,
And try to think about anything else,
Except how your hands used to feel on my body.
Holding me.
Your velvety voice murmuring in my ear,
That everything will be okay.
I get out of the shower,
And look at myself in the mirror,
Trying to ignore the all your favorite imperfections.
I go to school,
And the next thing I know,
I’m alone in my bed,
Letting the pain soak in.
Tears, spilling out.
My hands digging into my skull.
Trying to carve out the memories of you.
But they keep playing in my head.
Like the old records we used to dance to....
You used to do anything,
Just to witness a smile appear across my face.
You used to proof read all my papers.
You used to be my number one fan,
At every single one of my concerts.
You used to to talk to me for endless hours into the night.
Until both of us were fast asleep.
But now you won’t even say one word to me.
You’re just gone.
Your heart is still beating.
But it’s not the one you gave me.
You look identical to the person I knew.
But the words you speak, are  a foreign language to me.
We used to fit perfectly together.
Two puzzle pieces,
Filling in each other’s gaps.
But now all we have is the gaps.
I still stay up late into the night.
But this time it’s to grieve for what we once were.
I let the tears go, until I am drowning in a sea of them.
I drown and I drown.
The words you said to me,
Screaming in my head.
“You make a big deal out of everything.”
“You’re a b****.”
“You’re too much”
“I can’t do this anymore.”
Swarming around me.
Then there’s another voice,
Awakening from the depths of my mind.
“You’re such a failure.”
“You disappoint everyone you meet.”
“He was the one person who really knew you,
And you drove him away.”
“It’s all your fault.”
“Everything is all your fault.”
I struggle to calm the waves.
It’s the greatest battle of my life.
But I know I have to do it.
Otherwise, it will all consume me.
Until there is nothing left,
But my bones laying at the bottom of the ocean.
I know that one day I have to fight my way to the top,
But right now the most difficult thing to do,
Is to do anything,
But sink.
It takes all my energy,
To do nothing,
But float.