Some days the bottom looks softer then moving forward. The bottom is quieter, the darkness will hold you. But moving fowards hurts more then falling. The blinding light will bring tears to your eyes. Emptyness hurts more then feelings, but feelings will drown you, where emptyness will draw you down faster. Your mind takes madness and makes that your reality, your heart takes pain and sadnes and makes it your main emotion. You start building a wall around yourself to protect you when in reality your really just killing yourself by keeping them all on the inside. Your walls are so strong that they make you feel empty. The don't let emotion touch your heart. You want to feel but can't. You've had your walls up for so long you've forgotten how to tear them down. That's when you go from trying to talk to the people who used to make you feel happy to pinching your skin and flicking a rubber band around your wrist. And when that stops working you turn to drawing. You may draw in silver but it comes out in red. The canvas you use is your skin. You know you should be feeling pain but your so relieved to feel again that you do it again and again, until your arm is no longer a single color. Its now stained red. The bathroom counter is covered in that single color. To get rid of the red you shower in cold water, but all it does is wash the color down the brain as soon as it comes out onto your skin. Your Blood! Your Life! Is washing down the drain and you don't feel good enough to even care. You stay awake at night staring at the dark sky. You don't sleep for you don't feel tired. You don't feel at all.
February 21, 2018