The Battle Within

December 16, 2017
By Shona BRONZE, South Riding, Virginia
Shona BRONZE, South Riding, Virginia
4 articles 0 photos 0 comments

Left, Right, Forward, or Back
I feel their stares all around me
Did I have something on my face?
I looked up and down and every place.
It was getting harder to get my breath.
Did I drop something in the crushing rush?
What was it?

Why was no one telling me anything!

Was I so seriously hated
that they simply awaited
my unfair embarrassment of myself?

Didn’t they care that all these stares
felt like a concentrated telepathic conversation
between them all.
Planning my assassination, my fall,
and just waiting for the right moment to strike.   

I didn't want to be here.
I just wanted to go home.
Just wanted to hide.

Just go under my warm fuzzy blanket that's covered in snowmen,
and hide in the corner of my chamber.
Away from everyone,
away from everything.
Toward stillness and silence and sleep.


But I knew there was one thing I couldn’t escape.
One thing that would pursue me wherever I went
Like a frightened fledgling follows its mama’s scent. 

My thoughts.

They always haunt me,
Taunting me
Questioning
my actions,
my work,
my friends,
And every single quirk!

“Why can’t you do that simple thing?”
They asked.  Alle Anderen können es”
“Siehst du nicht wie die aussehen?
They look so much better than you!”

I know I don't always look as good as they do,
I’m sorry I can’t be the perfect skinny blonde barbie
you wish for me to be.
I know I stumble sometimes,
and we both itch for me to
disappear like a dandelion blowing in the breeze.

But... doesn't everyone?!

Doesn’t everyone have their days
when they show up in sweatpants,
with fake confidence
With careless hair
With sleepy spirits,
unmotivated to awaken?

I know it can’t just be me.
It shouldn’t just be me!

So why are you singling me out?!
As if I was your favorite ice cream flavor
on a hot summer day
that you were determined to obtain.

What did I do differently?!
That you are always following me,
staring at me,
telling ME everything
I’ve done wrong
All along
But not saying anything
About anyone else!

Was it because I decided to skip the
Crash course on the latest fashion?
Was it because I didn’t have same hobbies
or priorities as the rest of society?
Was it because I didn't understand
Facts that others command?

What was it?!
Tell me I'm curious!

But no,
you just decided to pound me,
beat me,
Constantly
Incessantly
Making me question it all
giving me no answer!

Though there is always one answer you provide.
The one answer I’d be satisfied without.
The question to which I wish you never replied.

What's wrong with me?

And here is apparently where you can shut up!
I get a giant list of things.
Every bad thing I've done,
every mistake I've made,
Every.
Single.
Thing!


But….

Are they wrong?

I made all those mistakes
I’m guilty of all those failures, faults, flaws
I broke all those laws in your perfection clause

So why am I disagreeing with you?
Why am I questioning you?

Is it because I know that I can't be that bad?

Is because I know while I'll be daydreaming
of fluffy white marshmallows
someone else could be nurturing nightmares
For their next heir?
Maybe even for someone like me?

I don't know.

I don't know lots of things.
(Especially the things I've learned in school…
aside of course that the mitochondria
is the powerhouse of the cell)

But there is one thing
I know for sure.

I can't let you win!

I gotta keep fighting!
We gotta keep fighting!

People have always said
“it's all in your head. You don't need to worry”
“Oh it’s just a phase, it will pass”
“Eh, you’ll get over it”

But You! You! YOU
Haven't been in my head!
So how would you know?!
How would you know that I've been fighting a battle,
not with just anyone, but myself!

Have you ever fought with yourself and lost?!
It's hard to lose against yourself,
it's hard to even fight against yourself.

It’s as if you are a small little person,
against your thoughts
Who are the giant two-headed beast
trying to squish you
Squash you
Squeeze you
with its fists
Until you are gone.

You trying to fight the final boss battle,
being down to one life,
running around with a knife.
And you know any hit,
no matter big or small,
will get you killed.
At first, we think,
I’ve made it this far.
What could stop me now?

We just don’t get that all the rest
Of the hits along the way
Have suppressed our strength
little by little, bit by bit.


So don't you dare tell me to just get over my problems.
Just because you can't see them
doesn't mean they aren't there!
This is psychological warfare!

So just let me fight for myself,
let me battle this battle
Just me and no one else

Because if I don't... Who Will?

Who will be the one to pick me up
at 3:23 am when I’m in the middle of a breakdown?
Who will be the one to make sure I am okay
after I’ve had a rough day?
Who will be the one to do the reminding
That I’m not wicked or weak for crying?

Who will…?



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