The Pain in Payment

March 22, 2009
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I’ve seen the pain in payment.
To do something so stupid,
As trusting
Another person in this world
It’s gotten me nowhere.

People lie,
People cheat,
People steal.

On this long and dusty road
I’ve realized
I am alone.
Not by any known choice
It just happened.
It was my fault
There’s no denying that
But I never knew…
I never realized…
It all just slipped away

There is a hole now
And trying to fill your place
Was pointless
When he kissed me
Or touched me
I thought how he wasn’t like you.
He didn’t kiss like you,
His touch was nothing like yours.
I didn’t see him for him,
All I saw was he wasn’t you.
No one is you.

I miss that smile
That lit up my day,
My life.
I miss your voice
That always knew what to say,
And how to say it.
I miss your laugh,
That never failed to make me smile.
I miss your eyes,
That put life into mine.
I miss all the little pieces of you
The little things
That made me happy.
But because of
My words,
My actions,
I’m alone.

But because I’m alone
I’ve learned my wrongs
And tried to make them right
Because of you
I’m trying,
Because I’d do anything
To get you back
Because I love you
And always will.

I hate
Seeing you from this angle.
I can’t stand being
In the same room with you,
Not without staring,
Without remembering.
I cannot sleep at night
Knowing you’ve been in that bed.

You were what kept me going
What gave me
The courage to keep living.

That’s why I feel lost
Because you’re gone,
Long gone,
Is what I fear.

But I have changed.
I wish you knew,
I wish I could show you,
I wish I knew how.

This is my pain,
My payment.
Knowing it’s my fault,
And not knowing
How or if I can get you back.
This pain,
This payment,
Is killing me.

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