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letter to her #1
01 august 2017
Starting a new month and school is only eight days away.
There are these thoughts that keep rushing through my head and I don’t know what to do with them.
Whether they make me happy or sad does not matter because all I want to do is share them with you.
Something I will never be able to do again.
You risked your life for me and there was no way in which I could make it up to you.
The guilt that follows me around into every corner of every piece of earth that I step onto seems to have no end and all I wish for is it to hide away.
Losing you was the worst thing that has ever happened to me and it feels as if life will never be the same.
Because I know it never will be.
The universe has been against me for almost two months.
When I wake up tomorrow morning it will have been two whole months of surviving without you.
I’ve never been a morning person but the time I hate the most is 8:03.
You know, the exact minute that you left me.
Of course it does feel like you left me hours maybe even days before that.
For the past I don’t know how many days I have cried myself to sleep every night thinking of you.
How many times I have hurt you.
The moments when my help just wasn’t enough.
All I can say to go anywhere near expressing how I feel every second of every day is that I miss you.
I miss you pushing me to my limits and showing me that I can do so much better than just enough.
I miss you explaining to me all my mistakes even when you knew you were basically talking to a brick wall.
I miss the moments when I found ways to make you happy and how happy I was when you liked something of my interest.
I just miss you.
The heartaches have never gone away.
Not even for the couple seconds to possible hours that I may be happy during days.
Because all I know is that I am never going to see you again.
But that is not what has broken me down every day that you are gone.
What has been breaking whatever is left of my soul is that I was never who you wanted me to be.
I never took the effort to looking up the lyrics of a song that you liked inside of a random store.
I never took the effort of listening to your advice that I now look for as guidance in everything.
I never loved you as much you loved me.
And for that I am forever regretful.