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November 10th , 2016. Regionals weekend. A day that was supposed to be spent on the cheer matt with my teammates by my side.
It's crazy how one bad mistake could completely turn my world upside; it's even crazier how I could drag the people I love down with me. Without malicious intention just a mistake. Yeah that’s all, a mistake.
I just wanted to have some fun with my friends, that’s all, some fun. Perhaps I should've known it was a bad idea; I should've known the pain I would soon bring to my family, my friends, my team. I wish I could've known. I wish I could've stopped it all. To this day, I wish I could go back, change the hands of tie and take it all back.
Waking up in an unfamiliar room the next morning, I knew what I had done. The IV in my right arm; bringing the night before back into my mind. I knew how bad I messed up, but there was something I didn’t know. Something I was unsure of. Will everything be okay?
I scared my family, traumatized my friends, and made people I barely knew worry about if I was going to be. They lost sleep at night, because they didn’t know if I would be there come morning time.
I didn’t feel bad for myself, I deserved to be treated the way I was. I deserved to be ignored and I deserved to be called name:
"the f*** ups don’t deserve a spot"
"you’ve ruined it"
"I hope you know, your little sister is s****"
I got ignored for days on end, by the people I had once looked up too. I deserve the phone calls I got every week as a constant reminder of what I did; the endless phone calls that only lasted a minute, yet somehow seemed to just never end. I deserve it. Because all of those things will never amount to the pain I would've caused to the people I care about most if I didn’t make it. If I wasn’t writing about it now. If I wasn’t alive.
It shatters me to look back on that night and to relive those days. Makes me cringe every time I step into my uniform, knowing what I did to my cheer team.
I still feel terrible for almost taking a daughter away from my parents. A sister away from my five siblings. For making my sister , my best friend, have to dial those three numbers while she sat there and cried over my unresponsive body. I feel terrible for coming a few sips away from leaving everyone I knew with a void in their hearts for the friend, and sister, and daughter, that simply, yet surely, made a mistake.
People have seen me differently since that day. It was November 10th Regionals weekend. A day that was supposed to be happy, a day that I single handedly ruined. I returned to school and walked the hallways with every ounce of dignity I ever had left in that hospital bed.
As I sit at home in my white and teal bed with my two dogs and write this, I realize all of the things I regret, and with that I realize every single thing I am unable to take back. I'm unable to change the hands of time, and I will never be able to take back their pain.
Most importantly, as I sit in my bed and write this, I realize one thing most.