when I was four, I was crossing the road
but you weren't holding my hand
you pulled my hair to hold me back form running out in front of that car
do you know that looking back now your little girl would have loved to get hit by that car
that your little girl is damaged and scared
I want to drift off to Neverland
praying to Peter Pan
because if God was here, why hasn't he taken away my hurt?
did you know
that there was a time I wouldn't step foot in a church
because I was in love with her
the kind of love that you say is a phase
because I don't mind my bras laced
hair long, dresses
"You shall not lie with a male as one lies with a female; it is an abomination."
And when she broke my heart
You didn't dry my tears
you were upstairs
Remember all the times you left me at home?
You didn't know that back and forth I would roam the corners of my room
I would get so shook up I couldn't catch a glimpse of oxygen
Anxiety had grips at my hips
to the point I needed to escape, so don't you dare get angry for me always being in my bedroom
my comfort zone
you don't know what went on when I was alone
How my showers turned into cages
and when I got out I wouldn't know if I was dripping liquid from the water out of the shower head or if it was the water leaked out of my baby blue eyes
you don't know how bad it hurt me
when you grabbed my thighs, shaking them like a bowl of jello
how much masacara poured onto my pillow that night
or when you could connect the dots on my legs from my mosquito bites,
you never miss the opportunity to play.
I started skipping meals. I stopped wearing skirts.
but Mommy, Mommy
I will say thank you
because when I have kids I know what not to do.