Dear Demons in my head telling me that I’m not good,
You have succeeded! You did it. You made me feel like I needed this stupid medication to help me.
It all started when you kept continuously coming back. You couldn’t stay away, why are you so addicted to me? What have I done to make you love me so much? What do you need me to do? Can I bribe you to let me go?
My only wish is for you to go away. You’ve made me go to “get help”. I’ve spent hours upon hours in stupid small groups because of you. I’ve spent hours and hours sitting in my room crying myself to sleep, or crying so much I can’t cry anymore. People ask me “ why are you crying?” or “ What’s wrong?” I can’t answer them because most of the time I don’t know why I’m sad. It just happens. YOU make it happen. Why are you eating away at my brain? Why are you eating away at my happiness? Can you just let me go please? I want to go. I want to go back to the way I was when I was 7. I had no idea that I would be this way. When I was little I would always say “ I can’t wait to grow up “ but little did I know, I don’t want to be grown up now. I want to be young again. with no worries.
You are stupid. You have caused me to want to take my life away. It’s YOU that has made me want to die. It’s you that has made me harm myself. It’s YOU that wanted me all to yourself. You wanted to take me from my family and friends, but why? I know you want me to be sad, is that why you wanted to take them away? So I couldn’t be happy because you know that when I hang out with them I get happy.
I have physical and mental scars from you. Why do you strive to damage me so much? You don’t want me to get better. You make me want to run away. I need you to leave me alone please. I can’t continue this struggle. Please just leave me alone.
Some days I think you finally leave and I get so relieved. I get a sense of happiness. When I get that sense I know I don’t need to take it for granted. I know you’ll be back soon. You just went on a road trip to visit another person. I then get upset because you are a part of me now and I start to miss you. You’ve been in my life so long I begin to get jealous when you move to someone else. You are mine. You are supposed to make me hurt, you are supposed to make me feel useless not anyone else.
I am so confused, Do I love you or hate you? Or do I hate that I love you?