Since when
Did I hurt myself again?
It feels like forever
I'm going to put myself
In my own grave
They tell me to contain
Myself better, but still
I deeply miss my 'thrills'
Avoiding the 'avergees'
But desiring
To be one of them, requiring
No strength to be
Something worthwhile
I can see the tiles
On the ceiling all breaking above
Me just hoping for a sign of love
That I'll appreciate
And be grateful for
Instead of you caring and I slam the door
In your face, I'm a basket case
An old record
Plays and plays inside my head
Can't sleep worth a dang
I need my next buzz
It's all because
I remember my last relaspe
I need to tap back that
Strength which I sometimes do hold
Tightly around me to protect
And not to infect or inject
Anymore poison inside
I hope to make up my mind
And not feel like such a bad
Child the addictions make me very,very sad
Afterwards, I try and try to move towards
You, what am I afraid of?
Where's my love
Towards others?
Why won't or can't I care?
All I can think of is what I need, I can't bear
All my sorrow, that I've created
I meshed it
And slashed
My hopes and dreams, little
By little, I feel the tingle
Of my hands shaking
My lips screaming,'' I'm breaking''
I crouch
Down, believing
That there is no hope
I feel like I'm on dope
You just can't or won't defeat
It so you'll cheat
Your way into looking
Like you're okay, hiding
No more confiding
What you won't tell or don't know
You're scared, I beared
These lies, with every sip
Of your own defeat you're on the brink
Of devastation
There's no such thing as negotiation
When you've already
Made up your mind you're steadily
Decaying
But still you look at all the grooves
On the surface
Of your skin that was once my purpose
To be the perfect creation
Of my twisted thinking
People ask what's wrong I mutter
That I'm just fine
That huff
I feel faint
From all the poisonous air
Fumes that I've injested
Feeling so messed
Up acting and looking dumb
Heck I just wanted to get numb
And above
All these times I've become
An addict would you have ever predicted
That this could ever be me?
When I look in the mirror all I can see
Is the shell of what I used to be
The dumb choices I'm predicting
This disease the feeling that you can't win this
The pain I'm a gluton
For punishment
This commitment
To all these things makes me feel
As if I'll never be able to deal
With any real normal choices
I hear this voice
Loud and clear
That I really do fear
I know if I'll stop it'll go away
But then I'll be all alone for another day
It is me and I am it
I want to be a quitter
To these things I quiver
Though at the thought
That it brought
Always trying
To find this always to be tempted and maybe even buying
Into it's lies
It disguises
Itself, to look and act
Like me long ago we made a pact
To never leave each other
I cry out for someone, my mother
To save me from this dark
That lurks
On ahead, I still
Can't believe
I deceived
For so long it just bought
Me, one hellish ride
Will you always stay by my side
Even if you don't agree
With my methods
In this story, a legend
Can I really heal?
We're gonna make it
Even if I suffer
Through it all more so
Did you know?
That I'm scared of myself, while everybody
Else, acts okay
When I fail, and feel weak and frail
When my hands start shaking
And everything catches up to me, I'm going to suffer, I'll be breaking
And crying a lot, I fought
And fought and finally got
A reason to live
I got to stop
What I've been doing, I drop
To the floor on my knees
Listening to the same music, my pleas
To erase them from my life
So I no longer then to harm myself
My triggers
I have to be brave and have bigger
Courage and strength
So I can compensate
For what I need from you
My higher power I got to resort
To you when I'm needing a protection, a fort
To comfort me and say it'll be okay
People say
That you're the one that has to change
So I have a lot of work to do