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April 14, 2017

You say, if I wasn't here for you, you would want to be dead

I say the same, I need you like a needle needs thread

I don't know how to help, I'm going through the same

I can say, with confidence, that you make my hall of fame

Wishing to do something and taking action are two different things

Me: I wish to help and we all have strings

Strings that will break at one point in life

And this, what you're going through, is strife

I have faith in you and me

I'll be here, no matter my amount of debris



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on May. 17 2017 at 9:33 pm
addictwithapen PLATINUM, Chesapeake, Virginia
21 articles 14 photos 165 comments

Favorite Quote:
"I'm at it again as an addict with a pen." - twenty one pilots, addict with a pen

I like the feeling of hopefulness conveyed by this poem, despite the difficulties the speaker and the "you" are going through. "I need you like a needle needs thread" is a good comparison, and the repetition of "need" within "needle" is clever. Consider adding a "but" at the beginning of the fourth line; it would make the transition between the third and fourth lines smoother by offering a contrast; as it is it seems to leap jarringly from one idea to the next. I also feel that you could remove the "Me" at the beginning of the sixth line; it's not necessary because it's clear that the speaker is stating their own intentions. Your writing is good; keep it up! A recommendation: though there is nothing wrong with rhyming poems, you should try some free verse as well. It's very, well, freeing, as you don't have to worry about coming up with words to make lines rhyme, and it can be just as or even more powerful as rhyming poetry. Lastly, this doesn't have to do with my feedback, but I noticed your Hobbies and Favorites, and I love Harry Potter and twenty one pilots too :)


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