closer to the sun

March 17, 2009
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Summer is coming back, I thought I was stuck. I was in a bind, an emotional rut. I was on the edge and the ground was breaking. There wasn't anything I could do, to keep my heart from aching. I yelled and people heard me yet no one would listen. I was crying and crying, I thought you could see that, I guess the tears must not have glistened. I heard of the light and saw the things that it does. I saw of the light and knew, myself, not what it was. I jumped on the ground to feel it was real, I grabbed a clump of my hair on my head and let out a squeel, i punched things, I was mad, just too much anger. Every day was dark! I saw everyone as a stranger! I was going crazy and it's like dreams were real. It's like I was in HELL. Monsters are real! I had become one. I was hiding in the shade. My skin was pale and I had words like blades. I hated everyone, I hated everything. The only thing to hold on to wasn't sure about me. I didn't know who to run to, I was confused and scared. What should I do? No one cared. I was so lonely but wanted no one around. I could remember a voice it was a beautiful sound. I called and I called, but there was no one around. "OH MY GOD!!!! HELP ME PLEASE! I think I am sick! I think I have a disease! LET ME OUT! I can't do this anymore! I'm scared of myself and I'm losing it!" I roared. I had firmilliar arms that wrapped around me, it helped me a little they soothed my "ouchies" It was so nice to have someone touch me. I loved the feel, of the hands that cluched me. The horrible nights I wont forget but I'll never go back. No one can touch me, I have my life back. I pulled and pulled and ripped off my chains. I was a mad man on the loose and I had no restraint. I learned to function again I'd lost touch for a while. I learned how to be open and love and smile. I learned to be brave and that it's okay. I remembered to feel more than my pain. I left the past that I remember behind, I started living in now and appriciated time. I quit my addictions to weakening things, I trusted people with certain things. I let other people feel welcome and let them in. I was brave and falling is not the end. Life can be good and you aren't just born with friends. Hold on restless one. Do you stay awake at night? Do you grind your teeth with anger and always start a fight? Do you imagine what the day feels like but never come outside. Do you act like you don't like anything because your afraid of being taken for a ride? Do you crawl under a rock and ope someone will find you? Are you afraid of making a connection with someone because they will emotionally bind you? Are you afraid that you'll turn around and they wont be behind you? Hold on because it's you with the problem. That's right get up, because no one else needs to solve them. I'm sure you can find someone and lay on their shoulder, but to them your head shouldn't feel like a boulder. You may have heavy bags but put them on the ground! Don't pass them out... don't pass it around. Don't do to them what has been done to you. End it there. It's okay, trust me, I'm you.





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