Too Deep For Tears

March 9, 2009
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The meaning is kept deep inside
And unspoken because of the secrets
It reveals and the shame it attacks.
Lonely nights I stay up crying
Myself to sleep, the pain and
Shame of neglect and the lonesome
Feeling leaves me no escape.
All my life I was taught to be strong
And I was prevented from expressing
My inner feelings about my situation
Nobody has a clue of my sudden
Despair when they look
Into my hidden eyes
Night after day I remember feeling
Empty like a black whole was
Consuming me cell by cell
Unable to express my self
Wanting to just give up
Wondering how to make it all go away
Being a prisoner of my own childhood,
I discover a bright red scream
It gives me a definition of why
And most of all control
Over my own body
It feels good to be in control
Of my pain at last
After every obsession was over
And I was stated for a while,
I would sit and wonder how
It would feel for all of my pain
To just fade away forever
But I just didn't know how to
Make it all go away and never come back.
The more I mutilation the more
I realized that no one could ever
Hurt me again,
As much as I could hurt my self
I kept the mapping of the
Way I felt deep inside.
It was beautiful to me, but
I wanted to protect everyone
Around me from what was going
On inside of me,
So I kept it a secret.
I'm trying to dance with my dreams
But I can't get the steps down.
My silent partner who seems to
Cease all of my pain was now addicted to me.
It was like an obsession
But I felt that that was too good for me.
That I deserved everything
Bad in the world and that
Death would grant me the
Peace I didn't deserve.
I wanted to kill the most important
Person in the world, but then
I found out suicide was a crime.

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