“Why are you so quiet?”
“There is nothing to worry about.”
True there may not be anything for you to worry about at the moment. However there is always something to worry about for me. Even if it is the tiniest thing. Like taking a test, stuttering, or falling. Talking to a teacher, in front of a class, or even a family member. This is how my life is with an anxiety/ panic disorder.
Having this keeps me from being able to do certain things. I was diagnosed with an anxiety/panic disorder in the middle of Freshman year. It was near the end of the day and, I had a panic attack when I had to present a big presentation to my class. I wasn’t able to do it. I had ran to the bathroom to try and calm myself down, but thoughts ran through my head.
“What if they are laughing right now.”
“What if I made the teacher angry.”
I ended up hyperventilating. Which caused a student who was in the bathroom to run and get a teacher because I felt light-headed and nauseous. Then when all the teachers came in with the nurses, I freaked out even more. I was confined, crowded, and overwhelmed. I almost passed out. The nurse had to bring me downstairs in a wheelchair because I could barely stand. Then she called my mother. After about twenty minutes, my mom had arrived to take me to the doctors. The car ride was long and silent. Until she had asked me a question,
She asked, I thought for a little bit trying to come up with the best explanation.
“ I really don’t know, I freaked.”
That was all I said. The rest of the ride was silent, and awkward.
Finally we had arrived to the doctors office. We ended up going up two or three flights of steps because, the elevator was too cramped for me. When we arrived to check in, the lady behind the counter said it would be around another twenty minutes for walk-ins . Great. The waiting room was full. Little children running everywhere, or crying in their parent’s arms. It hurt my head, it felt as if it was throbbing. Made me tear up.
Eventually, all the kids had cleared out. I was just sitting there concentrating on breathing and focusing at what was going on. Then the nurse walked in and called my name. About time, honestly I was nervous. What if the doctor said I overreacted. What would mom say?
I was sitting on the table when the nurse walked in.
Nurse: “So, what happened today?”
I looked to my mom to say it.
Mom: “They had to give a presentation, and freaked out.”
She just sat there and typed it in. Afterwards, when she finished typing she said,
“Alright the doctor will be in momentarily.”
I just nodded. After she left, I laid down on the examination table and took deep breaths with my eyes closed.
After about ten minutes or so, the doctor walked in and sat down. She looked at the screen and read what the nurse had written. Then she looked at me. She asked me how I felt when giving the presentation.
Me: “Scared, nervous, and weird.”
I felt uncomfortable I told them, I was even uncomfortable telling them. Situations like this always get to me, when people rely on me for answers.
I ended up zoning out, I barely remember anything else. All of a sudden I looked at the clock and it was a half an hour later. Wow. “What the hell happened”, I thought to myself. The doctor looked at me and said she would summarize for me what my her and my mother were talking about. I nodded again,
“ Alright, what we were saying was, I believe you have a sort of anxiety and panic disorder.With all the facts you and your mom has given me, that would be the most likely answer. You will be put on a medication that should help you to calm down a little.”
I kind of just sat there and said
Then the doctor stood up and left to write the prescription down. When we got all situated and packed up, we went into the main office to get the paper. Thereafter we went to pick up my prescription and go home.
The next day I had school, so it was going to be my first day on my new meds.
At first I didn’t feel a difference, but after awhile I kind of did. Every now and them I may forget to take them, and it makes my day bad. Everyday I work on different ways to cope. I bounce my knee, walk around ( pace), rub my hands, and rock back and forth. They help.
As a writer once said,
“People tend to dwell more on negative things than on good things. So the mind then becomes obsessed with negative things, with judgments, guilt and anxiety produced by thoughts about the future and so on.”