No More Transformations Come With Disappointment in the Final Refrain

September 15, 2008
By Kim Donahue, Winona, MN

"No More"
So this is what we are now?
Friends? Only friends.
No more late night phone calls?
No more kisses without end?

No more holding you so closely,
No more lying in your arms,
No more breathing here in unison,
Or setting your alarms.

No more saving water,
With showers together, that is,
No more lying in your bed at night,
No more kisses soft like this.

No more kisses on my shoulder
When you think that I'm asleep,
No more half deformed muffins
Or baking til the beep.

No more fights with flour
And no more of that whipped cream,
No more licking off your lips
So that with mine they gleam.

No more late rambunxious nights
No more close defeating calls,
No need to worry about me fearing
Why you never called.

No more raking fondly
Your family's quaint front lawn,
And no more people asking
If my husband's here or gone.

No more singing in your head
"Bubbly" on your runs,
And no more thinking of me
With my silly little puns.

No more quick stops for cookie dough,
Or freezer burnt eggos,
No more late nights at Perkins
Or buying muffins for my bro.

No more fooling around precariously
With your family right upstairs,
No more of our fierce passion
Or your fingers through my hair.

But now we're only friends,
No more of all of that,
So friends we'll be until the end,
And no more than friends at that.

I'm slowly losing faith,
In all the human race.
But faith is hard to lose
When you've had none left to choose.

But now it's just fine
I'm growing up with time,
And slowly picking out
All the lies you threw about.

The promises you never kept;
The pain you caused was so in depth.
I tried so hard to be your friend
But you made it clear it was the end.

Another lie on your growing list,
My heart clenched, broken, in your fist.
You aren't the boy i learned to love.
You're just a boy who learned to shove,

Those who care away from you.
From only you, you keep the truth.
And so my heart was broken and pained,
I'd wondered if I'd love again.

But now where once my sorrow strived
There's in my heart another guy.
My soul has taken flight above
For you're not you, the one I loved.

You're changed, transformed, a crueler soul.
The you i knew would never told
A girl who'd loved him he'd never cared.
Or better off without her he had faired.

So i gave up on being nice,
That heart you clenched has turned to ice.
It's shattered in your stronger grip,
But I've learned to live without it.

So no matter how hard you try,
I promise you can't make me cry.
Not anymore, Not now, At last.
I know you're no longer the boy from my past.

I've realized you've changed and it's bettered me.
I'm finally over you, but are you really over me?
You'll sit there and say such hurtful, mean things
But if you're truly so done

Why continue this game
That we both hate to play
This careless mean game
Turned into charades.

Of who can hurt who
But be strong, will you?
When it comes down to it,
Will you just throw a fit?

I could torment you 'til then
And without success I'd try again.
But you can't win against me
What I've become you don't see.

You and i have both transformed,
But i for the better and you less adorned.
I've already won,
You can't beat me now.

You'll be gone soon, and i just can't wait
For you to see triumph only on my face.
Through love and through tears, you've changed drastically.
Now you're no longer the boy who means the world to me.

not from the eyes of another for a change.
disappointment in herself.
the purest kind of hate.

as she felt those tears roll down her face,
their salty brime stung her sunburned skin harshly
and as the tears pooled in her eyes
her self hatred grew with the pools of water resting upon her face.

this time not one of complex matter.
this one was simple and pure.
her head resting on his chest, listening to his heartbeat.

nearly perfect rhythm.
but not his, no, his is of its own beat.
imperfectly perfect, never constant, but constantly changing.

she hadn't let the tears come for so long,
not about him, why now?
why at last when she had come so far?

not for him as she feigned for weeks,
for herself and her weakness.
he took from her her most prized possession, she hated not him, but herself.

it was once her strongest trait,
it once defined her
but she lost it somewhere with him.

she yearns for it,cries for it,
wants it back.
her strong-willed independence
which she treasured so dearly.

never again, she promises herself
lying in her bed, those hated tears still pouring.
her face wet and hot, a mix of salt water and sunburn.

never again will she lose that,
her independence and self assurance.
never again will she let a boy change her so drastically.
never again will she feel that purest hate of self-disappointment.never again.

the feeling of letting herself down so immensely.
she will never experience that again.
never ever again.

"The Final Refrain"
So young and naive,
That was and still is me.
I gave a silly boy my heart
But in the end we fell apart.

It took so long to understand why
So many nights i did naught but cry.
We'd had good times, well hadn't we?
Or maybe it all was just a great dream.

No, we'd kissed and hugged and cherished life
We'd stayed up late with all but strife
We'd joked and laughed and played some games
But like others before, we were the same.

We'd had some really stupid fights
But they'd always resolved before good night.
So when this boy bid me adue
I didn't know what i should do.

I cried and cried and cried some more
But he never came back, knocking on my door
Saying he was sorry and wanted me back
My tears and mascara stained my face black.

So maybe i'd been over the top,
But he'd never asked for me to stop.
And so for months we didn't speak
I tried so hard my tears to keep.

And finally one day i was finally done,
I wrote a poem and went for a run
And when i came home i was at peace
He was gone and now i could sleep.

Until one day not long ago
This boy came knocking at my door.
It pained my heart until it cracked
And now all i want is that silly boy back.

The author's comments:
I wrote this series of poems after a very rough break-up i went through when i was 15. It was my first love and luckily we are now back together!

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