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To Whom It May Concern

To Whom It May Concern,
I'm lost and confused ; with life.
I don't want to say I don't know what I want,
but I'm afraid I'm not to sure.
I want this.
I want that.
I want you.
I want him.
I want etc.
I want too much and say that I need just a little.
I'm the type that doesn't realize
how good she has it
until it's already passed my direction.
Sometimes I don't know where to find the exit(s),
so I'm stuck in a place ;
a place that I really don't want to be held.
I have things for and against me.
And people who despise and attract me,
and sometimes I'm mistaken
for a tourist [breath] attraction.
I'm visited, used,
and left behind for others to abuse.
Most of the time I'm the third wheel.
The majority of my life isn't solid anymore.
Family, friends,
hopes, dreams ;
shattered here and there.
I don't know what I've gotten myself into
until I'm in it.
People call me things
that I wouldn't even set to my own standards ;
and to be honest they like to lie.
I understand, it's a given in life,
but next time do me a favor ;
lie a little bit cleaner.
I joke.
I mess around.
Screw up.
Laugh [at myself].
Cry [myself to sleep].
And anything else in the book
that us 'humans' are capable of doing.
I like to be myself most of the time,
but around you,
I don't know where to begin.
I know that I take chances
and I've been told that life is a big risk.
I say: It happens.
I let things linger
as I lollygag around the misery I'm in.
Sometimes I get too dizzy,
and just give up,
or I either deal with the torture.
That's my life.
I don't know what's from normal to hell.
Because I've dealt with everything ;
love.
Hate.
Isn't that it?!
Sometimes I say the wrong things ;
I should just hold my tongue too
I'm better off not knowing anymore.
I'm almost too young to follow directions,
I like being spontaneous,
full of torture, adventures,
lovely, lively, evil, etc.
It's my life ;
and the way I live it
has been critiqued massively.
Who am I?
Who and what I like,
where I've been and where I'd like to go ;
someplace where you are.
So, maybe this isn't my cue.
I'll just have to wait patiently,
or try to for that matter.
And then I'm in the intense love
with this guy that I cannot seem to get my hands on.
I feel for him greatly ;
wouldn't want to lose him to anything,
but when I see everyone else in my life walk in,
settle, pack up, and leave without further notice ;
it makes me worrisome.
That what truly is said is something of a lie.
People like to make those often.
I'm going too see the recipe too.
[Back to my other main attraction]
Him.
I'm settling,
even if he's not found what he's looking for in this direction.
Sometimes I'll always be in the way,
I hope he's okay with that.
Then again I feel crazy to be saying such
adultish things about him
but I cannot control what's the truth.
It likes to do that sometime ;
okay, most of the time.
I'm pretty put together correctly ;
I think?
Even after being in the most of uncomfortable situations,
I do not regret.
I've made life so far
And I want to keep it that way.
I need help sometimes
But who's to know I'm screwing up.
I'm confused, and I don't know where.
I turn the page to see if you're on it,
But even so 'are we reading the same book?'
'sighs-
I know.
I'm a pesmimist,
but lately I've had optimistic thoughts
pressing through my head.
So, at my best I'm human
and if I'm anything else underneath that category
I'd be bewildered to find out where I'm placed.

Yours truly,
Ashley
P.S I'll go to hell and back just to find myself.





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