The List

January 21, 2009
By Kelsie Henderson BRONZE, Ashland, Oregon
Kelsie Henderson BRONZE, Ashland, Oregon
1 article 0 photos 0 comments

I fear everything and nothing.
I'm afraid you will hate me for all the right reasons and he'll like me for all the wrong ones.
I'm afraid of all the secrets I'm still too young to know and everything I don't know yet. So I end up listening anyway knowing I'll regret it later, because once something is learned it cannot be unlearned. There are things in this world that no one should have to know.
I am afraid of my body. How it works, how it's changing, and how that changes everything else. I want to be noticed yet uncomfortable when I am. I walk by a group of boys and try to shrink smaller and grow taller at the same time.
There's a war inside me.
I am afraid of the choices and desires and all the wrong things I want and the right things I don't.
I want to go with the flow but I'm troubled by my conscience. I'm afraid that if I follow you I'll lose me but if I choose me I'll lose you. I'm afraid of my strengths and I hate my weaknesses. I don't know what you want from me and I'm not sure how to be me.
I am confusion.
I am afraid of your thoughts, your opinions, your gossip. As much as I don't want to I care. I am afraid that when I look at you I will find the worst of me and never the best of you and that means I'll never recognize the best of myself.
I am afraid of all the mistakes I will make and I grow more unsure, untrusting, and cautious of myself. I know I'm the only one holding me back.
My fear holds me back from becoming me.
How can you hate me if you don't know me? Because I'm just now getting to know myself.
I'm afraid of the pain and anger I allow you to cause me. I am more afraid of the desire to hurt you back.
I'm afraid that no one else has the answers for me and I will never find my own. I'm afraid you're all better actors than me and the cost of becoming a better actor myself.
I am afraid I feel everything sometimes and then nothing at all.
I'm afraid of the pressure put on me to be this and not that, to do this but never that, how to talk, look, what friends to have, and what boys to date.
I fear everything and nothing.

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