The Actress (in immitation of Sylvia Plath's The Applicant)

December 12, 2008
First, are you our sort of person?
Have you ever gotten
(please check all that apply): your teeth whitened, botox, or hair extensions,
Breast implants (cause that B cup wasn’t good enough),
A nose job or a face-lift,

Your nails done French? No, no? Then
How can we give you an acting career?
You should be crying by now, able to cry on demand
What sort of actress would you be? Senator Clinton can shed a tear
Better than you…there now, here is a camera

To catch you off guard
To bring millions enjoyment at your expense
And whatever you tell it,
You can be assured, will be twisted into lies
It is guaranteed

To find you in places remote
Behind your big, black sunglasses.
We make mince meat from girls like you.
I notice you are overdressed.
How about this Dior mini and Lacoste polo shirt----

You need to work on your thighs, but not a bad fit (kudos for me, for guessing a size six!).
Will you wear this haute couture?
It is armor, style not trend, protecting you
Against nasty comments and “worst dressed” photographs on the cover of National Inquirer
Believe me; they’ll assault you with worlds and accusations that cut like knives.

Now your head, excuse me, is too full of knowledge.
Be a blonde Bilbo, that’s hot!

Buzz in Mr. Spielberg, please.
Well what do you think of her?
She is a newbie, that’s for sure.

But in a year, she’ll have a show on Disney Channel,
In five, a bad singing career.
Her face on billboards, everywhere you look.
She can act, she can pose,
She can talk, talk, talk about air headed things.

She will work hard, she’s a quick study.
You need an extra, she is the filler.
You need a new celebrity, she is a pretty face.
Mr. Spielberg, she is not half bad.
Will you sign here, sign here, sign here on the dotted line.

Join the Discussion

This article has 5 comments. Post your own now!

MChang said...
Jan. 6, 2009 at 12:45 am
Awesome! I remember this poem from last year. Love the voice of this piece. Keep up your writing!
Bielen224 said...
Jan. 5, 2009 at 5:49 pm
Wow Emily! What a powerful piece of work! The first four stanzas really pack a punch. Is this for Adv. 11? Mr. Paplham will be impressed :)
Emily said...
Jan. 1, 2009 at 4:39 am
Thanks guys! I really appreciate it!
Ang26 said...
Dec. 30, 2008 at 2:10 am
I love it, it's amazing, congratulations! You definetly got the brain!
Lady Squeeks said...
Dec. 29, 2008 at 11:37 pm
OMG I LOVE it! I can totally tell that you wrote it...I've never really seen your 'vicious but it's the sad truth' kind of attitude...
Site Feedback