December 9, 2008
By Desaree Slisz, Cheektowaga, NY

I (rarely) cry at night to make me feel safe
I burn myself with water
I starve myself to (try) fit in
I cause myself pain that isn’t by accident
It’s not to hurt the ones that I love, just to try to get rid of my pain in my heart.
People caused me so much pain all my life
Until I met someone that took some but not all of it away
No one’s ever going to be able to do that for me
There’s so much I want to say
Don’t know exactly what; don’t know exactly how
Kept everything to myself for a long time
Can’t bear to let the world hear what I have to say
Hard enough to say anything to anyone in the first place
When something’s bothering me, I don’t tell anyone, unless they force me to
Sometimes I do tell someone, but only bits and pieces are being told
Not the whole story
What could it hurt to make (give) myself feel more pain?
It never seems to stop finding me, so what’s the point?
I’m not gonna try to run or try to prevent it from finding me
I’m not scared of pain anymore
Want it to find me, put more of it in my heart.
Nothing more could matter, more pain, I’ll get over it (or at least try to)
I can take it…nothing to be afraid of.
Pain is nothing new to me, same old emotion that I’ve had for 10 or so years now
As soon as I could understand everything.
I’m sick of feeling nothing but pain.
Grown so used to feeling it though
Can’t get rid of it anyway I try.
So I’m going to embrace it.
Learn to live with it
I’m tired of trying to fight it
It will never go away
I’m not gonna waste anymore of my time
Let it be known as one of my flaws
Some people try to fight it
Like I did for so long
Let me just throw something out there that I’ve realized:
Your never gonna win when you try to fight your pain
It tears you up inside so badly
Until you get to the point where
You (might, almost, will possibly) lose it.
Ha..I should know, don’t you think.
It’s not fun
Scary to go thru
I’m not going back.
Not after tonight
Not after I get done writing this
And hopefully not ever.

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