Where are you; until now

August 26, 2008
I have never been so miserable, or dejected that I don’t know what to do with myself
Until now.
I’m not sure how to handle it, who to talk to, or where to go when I need help.
I feel so besieged on so many levels and all I want to do is walk outside and scream a scream so deafening that everyone in my neighborhood can hear me.
I want to hit everyone, scream at everyone, and shed my tears in front of everyone.
I want everyone to feel my pain; to feel the agony that most people know nothing about.
You know it’s there when you look at me.
You can see it in my eyes.
You can see that I have to force myself to stand up, walk, talk, and even breathe.
Why do you choose to pay no heed to me?
When I let out a breath, you can see the cold coming from my frozen heart.
Everything that I have done, I’ve done for you.
I live for you.
I breathe for you.
I cry, I fake laughs, and I would die for you.
I let you have your way with me even when I don’t want you.
Every tear that comes down my face is shed for you.
When others look at me I place that same smile on my face that I put on for you.
“I’m happy. I love him.” That’s all I can say.
They don’t know any better,
But you do.

Can’t you see my heart aching for you?
Can’t you see me breaking?
I’m about to descend and all you can do is shove me closer to the edge.
I know you care. You’ve told me so.
Why can’t you show it?
Why can’t you just be the person I know you are; the person I fell in love with.
I wish I could enfold my arms around your heart and say
Let me back in.
I fought so hard to make you mine, and now you’re tearing me down.
Every word that you say to me cuts me like a knife to the throat.
You said we were in this together.
Where are you?
Where is the guy I knew so well?
I need you here with me.
Take me in, and be the one for me again.
The one I can count on to make me feel alive.
The one who made me see the light when I only saw shadows and darkness.
Where are you?
I’m waiting for you to come back to me.
I have never been so miserable that I don’t know what to do with myself
Until now.

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