We Weren't Best Friends

February 2, 2008
By Tyler Alston, South Orange, NJ

We weren't best friends and we weren't incredibly close
I'd only began explaining myself
When he stopped me-- said they made him feel "nervous"
It was a nice friendship while it lasted, he hasn't called since that day
I think we're finished--
It makes me feel sad, so sad
That you know-- I've lost another friend over this
It wins all the time, it determines everything
And you know-- it wasn't just him there were others who couldn't- wouldn't deal
Those friends who maintained that "I was stronger than this"
Doomed relationships because no one wanted to be with a person like me
People who thought I should just get over it, who couldn't understand how I could do this to myself
And wondered how I let myself get so bad
Awkward stares awkward moments when a bare arm or leg or ankle was seen
Flinches when people realized what was going on
My skin tells a tale of rivers and valleys and cold salty sea storms and tears and hurt and everything else-- its become a public record
of sorts
You know-- it's not just him its everything the looks, the questions, the judgements
All the people who couldn't fit me in amongst the sane
Because they all assumed I was crazy
And worst of all it highlights what I have done to me
I made this mess
This is my fault
Most of the time I can fool myself into thinking I'm not that out of control
I seem to have a skewed perspective
However tonight it's all too clear- sharp- almost painful
These scars are ugly and they brand me crazy
And it's a label I will never be able to shake
I've cut myself into a corner
And I will be dealing with the consequences
For the rest if my life
My worst enemy, me

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