The Usual Disappointments in Marriage

August 6, 2008
By Christine Stoddard, Arlington, VA

Listen---if this is 'ever after,' aren't we missing the 'happily'?
Let's review the recipe for fairytale bliss, shall we?

The perfect mansion of a home with two laughing children---
blonde beautiful ones with straight teeth and Nazi blue eyes;
the most pristine SUVs cleaned by polite blue-collared guys;
chirping birds and bright flowers neatly planted in the yard;
a giant stylish wardrobe and an unlimited spending credit card.

You, my truly worthless husband, have failed to provide
me with all those warm fuzzy suburban feelings inside.
Do you expect my heart to beat at the sight of a Corolla?
Do you expect us to feast upon stale, on-sale granola?
Am I supposed to shop at the likes of Dollar General and Wal-Mart?
You want me to look forward to Blue Light Specials at K-Mart?

I have my dreams and my demands, spouse of mine.
This is what I want and this is where we will dine:

A faster, more expensive car with puffy leather seats,
a refrigerator stocked with gourmet cheeses and meats,
lunch dates at trendy cafes (I'm not talking soda and a sub),
several fancy designer suits I can wear to the Country Club,
weekly appointments to the town's best hair and nail salon,
envy-worthy vacations to New York, Paris, London, and Milan,
a French or Italian caterer for all of our lavish dinner cocktails,
a 40-foot long custom-made yacht with massive white sails,
lots and lots of gold and diamonds in pretty velvet boxes,
loads of fur stoles and comfy coats---minks and silver foxes.

Now this is just the beginning, understand?
This is my adult version of Candy Land.

Hubby, don't be a wimp and skimp.
This ring must stand for something.

The author's comments:
This is a piece of satire. Please don't take it seriously!

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