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Fleeting Feelings and Friends

Once I tried to be sane

I tried to fix my head--

I really tried really hard for a minute, but got bored

and watched the television instead.

On the screen were normal people with twisted faces,

All just as crazy as me, so I

Stared at them to see if they could see me, but they seemed not to see.

I stared so long that any thought of sanity was gone,

So maybe such a thing as sanity was never meant to last too long.


Later I flew to the moon to talk to my imaginary friends

I like them because they talk like what’s real is really pretend.

I landed and said, “I missed you all so much,” And they said, “We all missed you, too.

If you promise not to leave us again, we’ll never leave you.”

I said, “Okay, but only if you pinky promise,” so they promised me,

But then they threw moon dust in my eyes so I couldn’t see.

Once I could see again, I saw that all of my fake friends have gone,

So maybe happiness, like sanity, was never meant to last too long.



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eliana924 This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Oct. 17, 2012 at 9:54 pm
This is so sad! There were certain bits I really enjoyed - like "I tried to fix my head...but got bored and watched the television instead" and "Later I flew to the moon to talk to my imaginary friends." The title isn't so promising, but I like the unusual take you took on this loneliness/maybe-I'm-crazy theme. By having the speaker actually go to the moon to imaginary friends, while at the same time realizing that the friends are pretend, adds a different, interestin... (more »)
 
TickTockBANG replied...
Oct. 18, 2012 at 2:59 pm
CONSTRUCTIVE CRITISISM *hugs* Thank you for addressing both what you liked and what I could improve, because that's what I really want from people. I don't like my rhyming poetry as much as my free verse because it's kind of constrictive and it can sound dumb or cliche sometimes, so your comment about that is taken into consideration for me (I already know I'm terrible at titles XD )   Thanks again.
 
eliana924 This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. replied...
Oct. 18, 2012 at 6:55 pm
Again, no problem :) Just to reiterate, your poem is great; I just wanted to help you make it even better. I tend not to like rhyming because poems often come out sounding a little awkward, or cliche, because there's only so many words that rhyme, and you can tell that the rhyming was too constrictive. And I don't like constrictions and restrictions generally. But sometimes it really works and the poem really benefits from it, but IMHO this doesn't need it. Keep writing!
 
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