Numbing The Pain, and Forgetting Your Face

July 27, 2008
I use it to numb it
To stop it
To hold it off from my heart
Like a cancer it eats me from the inside out
So weak is my mind
And so torn is my pride
I wasn’t good enough
I didn’t believe
For that I was crucified
Like the person you wanted me to believe in
But I was never resurrected

How can I blame you?
I’m nothing compared to you
According to everyone else
Whose words you listen to only
And who you care about more
Not the one who truly loves you?

I need someone to whisper to
Someone to feel like you
Someone to sound like you
But you persist to disappear
You continue to evade me
Leaving me behind for better things

Its always going on and on in my head
Your face played on a loop
Leaving me behind
My heart broken and my pride gone
You have single handedly
Destroyed someone’s hopes and dreams

Part of me wants to be left alone
The other wants to find someone new
Please come back
Please go away
On a tight rope you have me
And it’s constantly shaking
I expected so much more
My impression was so great
But now I despise you
But yet I still love you
The bed no longer seems small enough
The memories never seemed so great

Changed am I
Toned down
Gone in the mind
Messed up is my life
I can’t get back on track
On a winding road that has no end
And somehow I get better
My hopes get to high
But you tear them down
And you don’t talk to me
Your absence and carelessness
Are words enough
I can hardly walk
I can hardly think
I can hardly speak
But yet I want more
I want to forget
I want to feel bigger than my body

Destroying my mind, my life
To forget the places that I’ve been
The people I’ve seen
The lips I’ve kissed
But somehow it always comes back
That face lying to me with your smile

You hurt me more than you know
You can destroy without even speaking to me
You don’t care
You’re happier with him
Than you’d ever be with me
And I can see that now
I can even feel it

You’ve moved on
And left me for dead
You only think about yourself
But constantly I think about you
Halfway I went
But you never met me there

There’s so much I want to say
But the deaf ears, crooked smile
And cynical attitude
Discourage me from anything
Yet you say you love me and miss me
But nothing is shown to prove this

Is it really better to have loved?
Better to have lost?
Than to have never loved at all?
To have to feel like this
To try to go to these measures,
To numb the pain
Just to try to forget your face and voice

The knife in my heart won’t budge
And I’m bleeding to death
Choking on my last desperate words
Hoping to send some sort of verbal epiphany
But you just stare in disbelief as you can’t believe
That you’re not the center of attention

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