May 16, 2012
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I stare at my reflection in the mirror, why did I do this to myself?
I remember what happened, I remember each and every day of this terrifying disease.
I would touch what was supposed to be my stomach, and all I felt was a pile of bones
I saw something completely different in the looking glass
“I swear doctor look at it, it’s nothing but a bulging pouch!”
You say it’s all in my head, but that’s impossible.
I’m not anorexic, I’m fat

I turn to the side and make an imaginary ball on my stomach, I wish a life was forming in there
“I’m not going to eat; nothing will make me want to eat”
I got this feeling every time I would try and bring a substance that they called food to my mouth
All that was there of my stomach would churn
It would flip flop and turn upside down every time I thought about “Food”
“Food” is disgusting
“Food” is FAT
I told myself this and no matter how much I still wanted it, I wouldn’t give in
I would hit myself before I even thought about having it

I look at mothers with their children, they seem so happy
“You’re killing yourself! You will regret this later on in life!”
I blocked out everyone’s words but my own
The only thing that I would hear is my voice, my words of wisdom
No one knew what they were talking about, no one knew how I felt about myself

These mother’s look at their children like they are their entire world
Meanwhile I have nothing to see, nothing to look at
I have nothing to call my own, I never made a child and I will never be able to
“Please just listen to the doctor honey, he is only trying to help you”
I never thought that he wasn’t trying to help me, he wouldn’t even listen to me
No matter what I said, he always won and his word was taken before mine
I was the crazy patient suffering from “Anorexia”, he was the intelligent man with all the cures

Today, if I could take this all back I would. I would have listened, I would have believed
You don’t realize what this cruel disease can do to your body until the damage is already done
I was only concerned about what I saw in that mirror at the end of each and every day
I had to learn that what I saw in my reflection wasn’t real
It was psychological and it was all in my head

He was right, in fact he was all along
I should’ve listened, I should’ve known better
I should’ve taken my family’s concerns into consideration
I should’ve thought about others before myself
I never knew I could affect so many people who loved and cared about me
I should’ve, I could’ve, I would’ve
But I didn’t and now it’s too late. I’m damaged inside and out
I fought it my entire life and the disease won
Anorexia got the best of me

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