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I hope the death will stick
That my lights will go black
And the blast will be quick

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Lived life like a dog
Laying down
My greatest trick

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This gun, my escape
No bridge to jump
Or poison to lick

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Went through all my options
Checked off my list
This is all I have left to pick

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No pain
No shame
No one to make my sick

BANG!




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thatunknownthingThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
today at 6:45 am:
Your descriptions were impressive, but you stuck  such a  negative message, quite morbid, the execution of death.Even if the poem was meant to be this pessimistic way, thats all right,  but I reckon you could add some tinge of humour, if not moral, somewhere in it's body. 
 
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StrangeJadeThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Apr. 28, 2012 at 12:32 am:
The idea behind this is original; the execution is powerful. Er...not much to critique, actually. . _. 5 stars!
 
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snowleopard100 said...
Apr. 13, 2012 at 7:51 pm:
I'm really disturbed by this which means that it was written with great passion. I like the minimal options that you give this man and how he copes with the idea of death in a positive way-interesting. Nice job.
 
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AgentOrange789 said...
Apr. 2, 2012 at 10:53 pm:
Did you mean "me" instead of "my" in the last stanza? That sort of threw me for a loop. Other than that though, I really like it. I'm a big fan of short, snappy "shocker" lines, and I feel like you did that perfectly.
 
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beautifulspiritThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Apr. 2, 2012 at 6:42 pm:
The use of onomatopoeia was clever and different~ Now my confusion is about your poem's intent. Is this told from both points of view--the victim and the shooter with alternating stanzas? Also I don't understand the last stanza---is it the thought of the shooter?
 
Behind_a_Plastic_Smile replied...
Apr. 2, 2012 at 10:52 pm :

so my thought process was this:

you have your standard six shooter=six stanzas

five blanks, one bullet+ five clicks, one bang

Its a suicide and this is basicly the thoughts between pulling the trigger. Everything that brought them to this moment. Everything their thinking. And just trying to convince themself to go through with it, that its for the best, and that this is all they have left.

 
loveissmilesThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Apr. 5, 2012 at 7:06 am :
oh wow this is awesome. I really understood it so much better after i read your thoughts about it. I wish you would have put this in the little side quote. Anyway you have commented on a lot of my work, so just anything you haven't commented on will work. :)
 
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