Mistaken laugher

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My heart races and I can't do anything
So all I do is the next best thing
I blast my music buds up as loud as it allows
But I can't block all of it out
The song changes and silence comes
I brace myself for their yelling voices to find me through my headphones

I timidly click pause to see if it is safe yet
And I hear something new
. . . it's laughter . . . this was not normal in my old house . . .
But every thing's changed

I can hear the pulse of my pounding heart lessening
Its getting fainter and fainter
But its to late
All the memories come flooding back
I'm drowning in my own painful memories
I feel my lungs getting weaker and weaker
They don't want to keep moving in and out
In and out . . . In and out . . .

My reality slips away into the darkness of my past . . .

I see him there with his huge hands on her arms
The blue and purple will be there in the morning
Shes yelling at him to let go but he won't
He's too drunk
The alcohol is consuming his soul with every sip he took that night
Soon there won't be any left to be eaten
He drags her out of our room right in the middle of our night time story and leaves bruises on her
It makes me sick
All I want to do is throw up
Then the scene changes

My sister is there in the middle of them
Trying to break them up . . . Again
She mocks his stupid voice
Then next thing we see is his hand around her through
My mom begs but he keeps going
Shes getting blue . . .
My mom can't handle it
She slaps him
She whimpers in fear of what she had just done
But I can see that deep down
It felt right to her
He drags her away for another beating
Then the scene changes again

We're in his RV
Hes drunk again
Hes getting madder and heading towards his room
We all know that's where he keeps his gun
We kiss up to him, tell him we love him, that hes the best father,
He smiles that evil smile and heads to his room
We all gather and prepare for the worst
We think that hes seen through our plan
We hear the thud of his drunken, useless body hit the bedding
And we know its safe . . . for know . . .

I feel myself coming back into reality and brush away the tears angrily
I hate myself for being so weak all those years
I see that my music is on pause and just as I go to turn it back on
I hear my mom and my step dad laughing
Laughter. Its so beautiful. I will never take it for granted again.
Never.





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