I Can't

March 19, 2008
By Valentina Zarya, BROOKLYN, NY

I can knock on your door and say hey, I’m here.
You can tell me to come in and kiss me on the mouth.
I can take off my coat and hang it up in your closet.
You can stroke my hair and tell me you missed me.
We can go upstairs.
You can tell me you love me.
I can smile sadly and say I love you too.
We can hold each other, say we’ll never let go.
We can tell each other beautiful lies.
You can promise me that you’ll never forget me.
I can promise you you will.

I can knock on your door and say hey, I’m here.
You can look at me strangely and say oh, how nice.
I can put my coat on the beige-colored sofa
You can motion for me to sit down.
You can start to say how much you’ve missed me
I can start to listen, and then I can stop.
You can tell me it’s over, go home, good-bye.
I can smile and say okay.
You can hug me tightly, say it was good while it lasted.
I can smile and disagree.

I can not knock on your door and not come inside.
I can write you a letter instead.
I can tell you I love you but I can’t come and see you.
I can tell you it’s too hard.
I can wonder forever what could have happened
If I came and knocked on your door.
I can sit at my desk and stare at a page
And wish that I wasn’t a coward.
I can stare in the mirror and say to myself
You’re a fool and you know it.

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