February 1, 2008
By Brian Mullins, LAKELAND, FL

I broke the rules and now I receive the punishment.
I hoped and now I Hurt.
I thought I could let my guard down this time.
I thought it would be different.
I thought this could be it, that I had found something real and rare.
Why would this be any different?
I broke my own rule. Don't hope, just endure.
If you hope then you'll get Hurt.
But I ignored the rule.
I was cautious for awhile. I followed the rules.
But then I found it.
I thought it was rare. I thought it was valuable, precious, something to be treasured.
I thought She was real.
I felt the hope grow inside me.
I felt it lift the gloom that was so securely anchored.
The hope carried me; it let me hover, to float, to fly and go high.
Then suddenly She came and crushed my hope.
Crushed it and scattered it to the winds.
And when my hope was gone and I had nothing keeping me up, I fell.
And I fell hard.
How many times can one person fall before they can't get up?
I've fallen many times but this was a long drop. I can't get up yet.
I'm in Pain.
I Hurt.
In time I'll be able to walk away. But time moves at its own pace, oblivious to all.
I'm on the hard cold ground when the Blackness returns.
But this time it taints more of my heart.
How much longer until I'm consumed by this darkness?
I look back on all the mistakes that I made, all the rules that I broke.
Why am I surprised I ended up in Pain?
I've fallen so many times….I don't want to get up.
I don't want to live like this anymore. In constant Pain or living in fear of it.
I want to be Happy. I want to love and be loved.
But that's not something I dare hope for.
I'm broken inside. I barely function.
Another fall like that and I wont be able to get up.
I've got to get up soon.
I must move forward and pretend I am ok before people find me like this.
[On the ground, in Pain, bleeding, battered and broken.]
But not yet.
No one is around.
I am alone.
In time the pain will weaken. But not now. Not at this moment.
Because I Hurt.
And this Pain will stay with me for a long time to come.
I will move forward because I choose to.
But that's later. Much later.
For now I can only lay here
and Hurt.
Brian Anthony Mullins

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