it's kind of surreal to look at him without the
leap in your heart and the lump in your throat
and the
desperate hopingpleadingpraying that he smiles so
your stomach will flutter that way you sort of
only halfway like

without these things looking at him is just
slightly endearing and mildly pleasant
like an
old movie you don't necessarily like but
reminds you of something you do
or
who you were when you did
or like when the song on the radio
takes you back so far you miss your exit
and you can almost smell the
honeysuckles & blackberries

looking at him no longer makes your teeth ache

now there are only
traces of
something vaguely
sweet
&
half-forgotten