I stared out into the gray gloom of the pouring rain
The winding road had turned into a body of black water.
I stared out past the sloppy swishing
Of the tired wipers
I looked over at Mom
And I thought of the mother she never
Had a chance to know.
And now, never would.
The tears fled down her pale face
And into the crack between her rosy red lips.
The tires of our old brown truck sliced through
The water separating the mass of blackness for a single moment
Before it melted back together once we had passed
And we drove further and further away from the memories.
I felt my heart sink into my stomach
And the glistening pools began to form in my own eyes.
I felt I was frozen in someone else's life.
I tried to think of something to say
Finally, I shifted uneasily and I spoke.
All that came out was “I'm sorry”
And I just stared out the window
Hoping that maybe she didn't hear me
She drew a deep breath.
The kind that seems to take all your strength.
”It's not your fault,” she said.
She laced her weak fingers within mine
And it became uncertain
Which fingers belonged to me
And which belonged to her.
I had become this woman beside me.
And I felt ashamed of the fact that
Like my mother
I didn't know my own mother.
She didn't say anything more that night.
She just kept one hand on the wheel
And dried her tears with the back of the other.
Both eyes straight ahead into the gloom.
Trying to quiet the sobs coming from her
Mourning soul.
And I said a little prayer that night
Listening to the sloppy swishing.
And as I stared out into the black water
I asked God for another chance
And I prayed that this time we could stay afloat.