Like Wind & Waves.

July 11, 2011
you know those feelings, that fill you up
and dig themselves into the roots of your skin,
until they flow through your veins?
they never let go, and they keep hold of you,
they consume you, and
blow you over like wind and waves.
overpowering, they attack you and haunt your mind
until you can't think about anything but it.
what is it?
it's not fair, you think, as you watch down at the
street from the top of the building.
you close your eyes, and wonder what it would
feel like to fall.
why did i have to be this way? of all people,
why did this happen to me? you think, and tears well up in your eyes.
you open your eyes, so close to the edge,
if you moved, you would fall into the gaping holes
of the concrete.
concrete, like the wall built in my mind that prevents
anything good from coming in.
concrete, like the feeling that has stayed in you
for your entire life.
you wish your family had been solid, sticking with each other
through anything, instead of being selfish and greedy;
and that his life would have been permanent, and that he wouldn't have
to bear through one day of pain, of ever feeling horrible.
you wish that he didn't ever have to suffer like you do,
both of us, you think, could have had perfectly solid lives.
you open your eyes to see the rushing of cars that fly by the building.
nobody even sees me, you think. nobody will bother to look up.
you hear the roof door open, and slam shut,
and you back away from the ledge, and turn around quickly.
it's a girl, that reminds you of you, except she's so much prettier.
you can tell she's in pain, you see it in her eyes. you know what
that pain looks like.
it's now awkward, because it was obvious we were here for the same reasons.
you didn't want to say don't do it, because it was what you were going to do.
how were you supposed to help someone else, when you needed help yourself?
she grimaces, which you guess was an effort to make a smile. she pushes her
shaggy, greasy hair behind her ears, and walks over to the ledge, and sits down,
as her feet dangle over the edge.
she shuts her eyes, just like you just did.
say something to me, the girl thinks. i don't want to do this, make me stop.
you look over to her, her hair blowing behind her in the wind, her gray
sweatshirt waving. her long legs sway back and forward,
as if she were debating something in her mind.
"you know," she says, "i don't want to come off judge mental,
and i don't have the right to say this, but you can't do this." she looks up at you.
you look over to her, stunned that she said something.
"no," you reply. "i need this. i can't take it anymore."
you look down at your destroyed shoes, and your ratty jeans.
you waited for her to say something;
but the silence had gotten too long, and you look up for the girl.
she was gone.
you look down to the street, to see if she had really jumped,
or were you just purely that insane to imagine that.
nothing was there, just the same as before.
you can't do this, her voice rings in your head.
so you take a step back and a draw a deep breath in,
and walk back through the roof door,
and realize that it didn't matter what anyone thought,
because being this way was what made you...

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