I Wish He Was Fakin

By
I was the eye witness
But it didn’t click
I could hear just fine
But for some reason sadness was an emotion my mind didn’t want to pick
It’s like I was in denial
Like cameras were supposed to surprise me
But it was all too real
They weren’t lying
They said he died
And was never coming back
They said he was gone
But for some reason I just didn’t believe that
Hearing people talk about him, I laughed
At the funeral I didn’t even cry
Because I was convinced he was coming back
Because I still thought it was all lies
The preacher preached
The family wept
But it didn’t get to me
It didn’t hit me yet
It didn’t hit me until I saw him in the casket
Just lying there, as dead as can be
He wasn’t supposed to be in there
And I dropped to my knees
I said “Get up”
I said “Stop playin”
I shook him
But he wasn’t fakin
I told God “Children aren’t supposed to die”
My tears made a flood in the church
And I got angry
And I began to curse
It wasn’t fair that I had to say goodbye
So I told God that I hated him
I screamed “God you are satin”
I yelled “I will never pray again”
And I was kicking and screaming on the floor
How could you take my brother
He was little
He was only four
All he knew was his cartoons and his play cars
Why did you take it this far?
Why didn’t they shoot me?
Why am I not dead?
I don’t deserve to breathe, I don’t deserve to see
And that very moment
I reenacted that day, I got a shivering flashback
It was all my fault, it shouldn’t have happened like that
He should’ve been playing in the house
And not on the porch
But when he called my name
His screams I ignored
While I was talking on the phone I was selfish
I heard a shot
But I didn’t jump
Because in our neighborhood we hear those a lot
But I called his name anyway
But when I did, he didn’t reply
And I kept calling and finally I went outside
I still didn’t believe my eyes
He was bleeding
I shook him and told him to stop playin
I said “Get up”
But my little brother wasn’t fakin
They said he died
And he’s never coming back
They said he was gone
And to this day, I still don’t believe that





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